20 Things that People Do that Should be Celebrated, Not Shamed

This is a response to the article (if you really want to call it that) "20 Things Women Do That Should be Shamed, not Celebrated" on the website Return of Kings.

1. Understanding their sexuality. Sexuality is weird. It's complicated and messy trying to figure out what turns you on or what doesn't. If you are into having a partner or partners, trying to convey your desires is also super complicated. Especially if you are trying to communicate in a way that doesn't sound like a medical textbook. You want to know what helps people figure out sex (in the broadest sense of the term) and their sexuality? Practice. Solo practice, practice with a friend, practice with multiple friends, visualization, talking about it (with everyone), reading about it, watching it; the list can go on. Engaging with sexuality is something that should be celebrated. But instead, vagina havers especially, get slut shamed for experiencing their sexuality. If someone's sexuality deviates from "normal" sexuality (e.g. foot fetishes) they are mocked.

2. Loving their body no matter its size. Ok, I'm really fucking sick of hearing about/reading about how fat women loving their body are just putting on a brave face or other such nonsense. Let's break out of the mindset that beauty is a size 0. Let's fucking stop pinning thinspiration bullshit. Can we also stop posting about going to the gym or "clean" eating on Facebook? Working out and eating healthy are ONE WAY to love your body and that's great! Just don't do it to the detriment of people who love their bodies in other ways. For instance I love my body by spending as much time as possible naked (either alone or with others). Now, I could eat some kale whilst naked but I probably still wouldn't post about it on Facebook. And as a disclaimer, I regularly practice naked yoga but I don't tell the whole world (except for right now). So, I guess a compromise is that those of us who love our bodies in non-conventional ways that don't involve organic food or lifting/cardio, we should probably post about it on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Pinterest more.  Let's (equally) celebrate all the ways to love our bodies!

3. Loving food and admitting it. We live in a world where it's appropriate to be a "foodie" about certain foods or you can acclaim that being skinny tastes better than any food. Let's celebrate all food! In an ideal world, I can claim that I am a foodie about Oreos without people asking me if I know what a foodie is. Bitch, I know what a foodie is. And I know I fucking love Oreos. I try all the varieties of Oreos. I have social gatherings where all we do is try different kinds of Oreos (and no, we aren't stoned). Let's celebrate all the different foods that people love and not shame them by saying that they have immature tastes. *Also, I have always and still attest that Kraft Mac n Cheese is the best thing in this world.* And if someone from Nabisco or Kraft would like to pay me for this free advertising, I would greatly appreciate it. After all I'm so poor that all I eat are Oreos and Kraft Mac n Cheese.

4. Knowing when to ask for help. If there's one thing I kept from my evangelical, Bible reading days is that pride will fuck up a motherfucker (it's in the New Testament, look it up). Now, I won't go so far as to say that we should rely on a patriarchal construction of a deity to fix our problems, but asking for help from others or through welfare isn't a bad thing. Let's stop shaming single moms receiving food stamps because she apparently can't raise her own kids. Bitch, she probably is raising her own kids; being on food stamps does not mean that the fucking government is suddenly the baby daddy. Let's celebrate asking for help when we need it, even with little things (like when you don't understand your statistics homework).

5. Family! In all the ways that you can configure a family. Single parents, guardians, adoption, same-sex parents, siblings raising siblings, that weird conglomerate of friend/family that you form in your twenties, etc. Having love and support around you is a beautiful thing and makes life a lot less shitty. We shouldn't be shaming "non-traditional" families. We should celebrate that there are people in our lives who will love us no matter how much we fuck up. Because that's beautiful.

6. Stay At Home Parents. Stay home parents get a lot of shit. For some reason stay at home dads are either valorized or mocked. Stay at home moms are largely mocked and then held to some kind of weird housewife standard. It's like we forgot that these people are dedicating their lives to raising their kids and creating a safe and loving home environment. So stop shitting on them.

7. Self-Expression in whatever form. If you express yourself by wearing the entire MAC counter, go for it because I love what you're doing with your eyeliner (seriously, I have no idea how you do what you do and I'm in awe). If it means that you puffy paint the shit out of Dollar Tree mugs, go you! If you like to wear cat ears and a tail on days that aren't Halloween, you rock! Stop fucking shaming people because they don't express themselves like you do. I'd also challenge you to think if you are really expressing yourself by wearing those UGGS (and if you are, that's awesome! Your feet look so comfy!).

8. PETS! Going to college makes you miss pets. Pets are great companions. They cuddle with you and don't talk back (assuming that you have a cat or dog). Stop shaming people who "collect" cats. They just want companions and let's be honest, probably don't give a single fuck about what you think because they are fucking cat people and probably don't really like interacting with most people (which is an over generalization, but as a cat person I'm gonna stick to it until I meet a cat person who proves me wrong).

9. People who make, star in, and/or watch feminist porn. Now, I am in the "not all porn is bad" camp. I think that there are creative and innovative ways to "do" porn without it being misogynistic or violent. So, yes, let's shame mainstream porn and its fucked up standards and message. But let's celebrate the feminist porn which helps out all those visual, sexually active people (and people who want some creative sex ideas).

10. People who use birth control! I LOVE BIRTH CONTROL! I love: the shot, the implant, vaginal rings, condoms (male and female), IUDs, the Pill, the patch, EC, dental dams, and the research and development going into male "birth control." So I quoted the "birth control" after male because people keep forgetting that male condoms are technically birth control. Which is why I get pissed off when people talk about how unfair it is that men don't get birth control. Bro, you do. In fact, it's arguably the easiest to access birth control around. And it protects against STDs and HIV. If my IUD also protected me from STDs and HIV I WOULD BE SO FUCKING ECSTATIC THAT I WOULD TALK IN CAPS LOCK FOR A WEEK. Let's celebrate people who take charge of their reproductive life! Which means we shouldn't call them sluts and whores *cough Rush Limbaugh* (but I will say that I still enjoy calling the Pill "whore pills" out of spite).

11. People who don't give a fuck about body hair. And I mean outside of No Shave November. As a habitual body hair shaver, I give mad props to people who don't shave. I've been working on letting the whole hairy legs/pubic mound (because you don't fucking shave your vagina it's anatomically difficult/impossible)/armpits be a facet in my life, but I really like how my legs feel after I shaved (amongst other things...). Let's stop giving women shit when they don't shave their legs or other body parts. It's their fucking body, and they can shave if they want to.
*Honorary mention for people who don't give a fuck about other people's body hair.

12. People who are ballsy enough to take online dating seriously. I am someone who takes online dating not seriously (like I should probably just delete my account because I'm distracting from the people who actually want a relationship via the internet). Being so dedicated and understanding yourself well enough to know that you want a relationship and you will get one with whatever means necessary (just don't go all Kathy Bates in Misery, thanks) means being in a vulnerable place. People who online date are putting themselves out their hoping to find love (or a one night stand sometimes). Stop making fun of them (so I really should delete my account). Encourage them because in the end we are all just swimming around hoping to find someone who can tolerate us long enough to have sex and maybe stick around for awhile (I'm sooooo romantic).

13. Having a healthy body image. Yes, this goes back to loving your body. This also means not abiding by society's ideas of what "toned" looks like. And also loving your body no matter what it looks like because it's  fucking easier to love your body when it looks like societal perfection.

14. Being brave enough to leave a shitty relationship. You know what fucking sucks, realizing that you can't tolerate someone any longer even though you might be comfortable/have kids with that person/split rent in a really great apartment. You have to fucking start over. It's like when you get half way up to your apartment and you live on the fourth floor of a walk up just to realize that you left your purse in the car (Ok, so maybe break ups and divorce have more of an emotional punch). It takes energy and effort to leave someone. And if you actually love(d) them, it takes a lot of emotional energy. Let's respect the choice to end a relationship because chances are they aren't doing it for funsies.

15. Stepping up to take care of kids...especially when they aren't their own. As someone who fucking hates humans under the age of 10 (oooohhh it's such a cute baby, can I give it back to its owner now?), people who raise other people's kids, especially if they aren't blood related, is pretty fucking amazing. They are committing their life to a vulnerable, little human being that they, as the adult, have the responsibility to raise to make sure it isn't completely fucked up. *applause*

16. People who like to have a good time. Because they are creating jobs for people who work as bartenders, bouncers, DJs, taxi drivers, shot glass makers, tequila distilleries (how is tequila made?), Forever 21, Axe (ok, maybe that isn't good, but it's a job for someone), etc. These people have created an entire industry. Capitalism thanks you. They are also really great at cheering up the people who are brave enough to leave a shitty relationship. Of course, this should be celebrated as long as these people are safe and healthy in their actions. I'm not celebrating Jersey Shore.

17. People who try new things with their hair. Dude, they can be stuck with that for a long ass time depending on what they do to their hair. Yeah, hair grows back, but slowly and usually awkwardly.

18. People with standards. Not people with entitlement problems, but people with standards. Who know what they expect and what they deserve. This requires self-reflection and a deep thought process. It also takes a nice set of ovaries (let's stop using balls to mean bravery...) to demand that their standards be met. Don't shame people for being assertive about their needs. Celebrate them for knowing who they are.

19. People who enjoy sex no matter what country they are in. Not people who engage in "sex tourism" a la human sex trafficking. That's fucked up and needs to be stopped. I'm talking about meeting a great person in Sweden, hooking up with them, and then maybe continuing to exchange e-mails (that last part is so not required). Let's face it, these people have managed to overcome fear of not knowing someone superrrr well, trusting them not to be a serial killer (which is always a toss up no matter what country you're in), and then engaging in sexual activity with a potential language barrier (just make sure you've got the basics covered like "No" "Yes" "There" "Please" and "Clitoris").

20. Intersectional Feminists. Because they actively try to smash patriarchy, end oppression, and have to deal with a ton of bullshit at the same time.

Sexual Gatekeepers (a thesis teaser)

Oh boy! A thesis teaser!
Here is a rough draft of a paragraph from my thesis. This paragraph will most likely change (drastically) for obvious reasons, but it's too good not to share.
Enjoy!

One of the central metaphors in the discussion of female sexuality and purity is that of the sexual gatekeeper. In this illustration of abstinence, young women are the gatekeepers of their virginity. In order to protect their virginity from lustful, ravenous men, women are to dress and behave modestly. They must monitor their behavior to ensure that they do not excite the lust of men and therefore endanger the sacred virginity. In this metaphor, women are detached from their sexuality. Part of staying pure is to not engage with ideas of sexuality outside of matrimony. Within this metaphor, when women do not properly guard their flower they are then blamed. There is also the implication that the gate to the pleasurable garden of her vagina cannot be locked again until she recommits herself to a life of second virginity. However, the narrative of second virginity typically relies upon a sexual trauma or violence occurring before the young women recommits herself to life a purity. An implication of that narrative in conjunction with the gatekeeper metaphor is that once the gate to sex is opened it cannot be closed without revirginization. As such, a young woman might as well create some nice walking paths and start charging for entrance because she is now a whore. 

The Case for Not Having Male Friends

The last time I had multiple male friends I was five. And then I went to elementary school where I was immediately informed of the dangers of cooties. I never went back. The majority of my friends have been non-male identified ever since. There’s always been the occasional one guy friend, but that was not the norm.

Throughout high school and even into college there felt like there was a pressure to have a better gender balance (assuming that we live in a gender binary *vomit*) in my friend group. Like there is something wrong with associating almost exclusively with non-male identified people.

So here is my case for not having male-identified friends as a female-identified person.

1. It is mother fucking exhausting.

I’m not saying that all men are misogynists or sexist. I am saying that a good number of men are pretty blind to their male privilege and how it affects people who are not men. It’s tiring to call them out. It’s draining to be in the presence of all that privilege especially when we already live in a patriarchal world.

2. I hate explaining my experiences.

Like really hate it. Especially if someone then decides to argue with me about my experience. Here is some sample dialogue:

            Me: Ugh, this guy in class was totally mansplaining at me earlier about…

Man: Are you sure he was mansplaining? I think you’re taking this gender thing too far. Just because a man explains something doesn’t make it ‘mansplaining’

Me: *face palm*

The great thing about hanging out with women is that (most of the time) they understand my experiences and have had similar ones (at least when it comes to gender, that is definitely not true for other intersections of identity).

3. I really hate censoring myself.

Things I like to talk about include: vaginas, cramps, sexism, birth control, sex, my thesis, swear words,  etc. I also talk about these things from a very (and I mean very) female perspective. Because I hate explaining my experiences, I'd rather just avoid talking about certain things. It's shitty and I hate it. Also, when it comes to IUDs and how much I like the word “cunt,” I give very little fucks about a male POV. Mostly because I get the male POV about every fucking thing every fucking day because patriarchy. Sometimes, I just want to bask in the world according to women. And by sometimes I mean like 98% of the time.

4. Explaining my sexuality is also fucking exhausting, especially to men.

“What’s pan? Does that mean you have sex with everyone?” or my favorite response: “If you like girls too, does that mean we can have a threesome?” or this “But you’re straight for me, right?” Ok, so the last two are from men I’ve fucked, but it’s the same idea. Again this doesn’t apply to all men, but les-be-honest, a lot of straight men just don’t get the different flavors of sexual orientation. And when they try to they look at it in a very self-centered fashion. If she identifies as this, what does that mean for me? You know what bro, the entire fucking world does not revolve around you.

Also, if you, reader, are now like “But wait! If you have all these problems with male-identified people why do you still have sex with them?”

My response to that is: go read a fucking book. Maybe one that has to do with pansexuality. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t always pick winners, so I have fucked my share of sexist assholes. But sometimes sexist assholes are pretty so…

5. I’m no one’s mother.

I can’t be the only woman who has had this problem where men you are close to are suddenly looking to you to take care of them. You’re a girl and you’re my friend so that means you’ll take care of me like my mom, right? No. No, it doesn’t. Fuck you.

Also, Taylor from my high school art class, just because I’m friendly to you and can knit does not mean I will knit you mother fucking slippers. Go to Target you lazy ass.

 There are probably more, but these are the ones that I can think of right now. 

To People Against Booty Shorts, From Me

For context, here is what I am responding to: http://www.abstinence.net/our-blog/guest-commentary/to-young-women-from-a-young-man/

Yes, that is a link to an abstinence website. Yes, I am intentionally trying to piss myself off...obvi. #thesisprobs

Everyone that has a problem with "immodesty", are you really concerned about my ability to attract a man? I have this feeling that you aren't. Like, deep down, I really don't think that it's any of your business who I "attract." What if I don't want to "attract" a "man"? Here's some advice: look at your life, look at your choices. The fact that most of you feel the need to tell women* how to dress is absurd. Especially since my v-neck makes me slutty (there's a country song for you) therefore I shouldn't show cleavage. I'm pretty sure my v-neck doesn't "make" me anything since it is an inanimate object. I think you're obsession with my v-neck makes you construct an image of me in your head as slutty. That's right. My v-neck doesn't make me slutty, you make me slutty. Thanks for that. While we are on the topic of my "sluttiness" (I prefer sexual resume or experience, but I digress), what I do with my vagina (or mouth or hands or whatever the fuck I want) doesn't make me slutty. Again, that is a you problem. So stop making it a me problem. Or a woman problem. Let's face it, you are the one that wants me to a) want a (hetero) relationship, b) not have sex outside of marriage (too late bro, and don't get me started on second virginity), c) look like a fucking virginal princess (that sounds uncomfortable and I look horrible in a crew neck), and d) shut the fuck up (I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm pretty sure that's right). You should really let go of all these expectations on me and other female-identified people. If there are some vagina havers out there that are totally down with your ideology, good for them. Just don't try to get all the vagina havers to act a certain way. It's sexist. Love you!

*I struggled to decide how to identify "women" in this piece since modesty campaigns are constructed in a gender binary. So, I switched between using "women," "female-identified," and "vagina havers." The last one is slightly tongue-in-cheek and also anatomically accurate to describe the people that modesty campaigns target as being "too slutty." If you think/feel/believe/have evidence that any of these terms is problematic, please let me know through the comments. I'm not an expert and appreciate the learning moment.

Owning My Story: the perspective of a survivor

I have made the decision to not recount the details of my rape for a number of reasons which apparently need to be outlined. I have noticed that people don’t seem to understand that stories about rape are deeply personal especially when you ask a survivor to recount his/her experience. This is even more true when someone else shares a rape story that is not their own. I think that what is most likely the root problem of this is that those who have never been raped do not understand what it feels like to be violated in the most personal way possible: their body. Which gets me to my first reason for not sharing:

1. It is not my responsibility to educate you about rape. My story and my experiences are not learning tools for you. They are mine.

2. You do not get to exploit my story. The traumatic experience of rape should not be used for a catharsis (e.g. Law and Order: SVU). I am not going to tell you, in detail, how I was raped so you can get off on it. Fuck that shit. Other ways to exploit me and my story of violation are: using it for education, using it to prove a point, as a cautionary story, or taking my story from me and sharing it with others.

3. “That sounds more like sexual assault/miscommunication/your fault” is what I could possibly hear if I start telling my story. I am not going to open myself up for your doubt. Whatever you have to say, I have probably already told myself. I blame myself every fucking day, so I don’t need to hear anything from you about how I am misreading the situation or could have prevented it. Also, don’t fucking ask me if I now carry pepper spray and know the appropriate self-defense techniques. Newsflash: Before this happened I already knew the same self-defense tactics as you. Don’t treat me like a naïve whore.

4. Gossip: because people can’t keep information to themselves. I know that. You never know where your story could end up, like a newspaper for instance without your permission. This also has the added element of the story also changing. What could begin as “I was raped” could turn into “Reportedly she was sexually assaulted.” Those are two different sentences with two completely different meanings.

5. You’ll act differently around me. “But no!” you say. Don’t lie to yourself. You wouldn’t invite me to certain events because you’d be scared about what would happen. You would distance yourself and there would be a certain pitying tone when you ask me “How are you?” I desperately want things to be normal. Every day, I deal with an internal struggle because I’m not the same and things are no longer normal. I don’t need my external world and my social life as drastically changed as how I feel inside. It’ll only make me resent my rape even more than I already do.

6. Because it’s my fucking life. That’s right. I am under no obligation to tell you anything. I don’t ask you to share traumatic experiences from your life, why would you ask me to share mine? Yes, there needs to be a conversation about violence against women in this country but that does entitle the public to knowing my story personally. I should not be coerced into recounting my experience for the “good of society.” This is similar to problems in reporting rape. Telling anyone about the incident is retraumatizing. By asking me to share is also asking me to retraumatize myself. Survivors deserve the peace and safety to rebuild their lives without having to share their experiences because they feel pressured to do so. Survivors are trying to regain their autonomy and agency, coercing us into sharing or sharing our stories without our permission is taking away what little agency we feel that we have. 

An Open Letter to Bystanders of Rape (TRIGGER WARNING: contains comments about rape/sexual assault)

Hey Bro,

I'm not going to beat around the bush here. If your feelings get hurt, it is only a fraction of the hurt I have felt as a consequence to you being a bystander. There will be no apologies.

You disgust me. You make the core of my being shake in anger and frustration. You don't make the knot of anxiety and fear in the middle of my chest want to puke and run like rapists and perpetrators of sexual assault, but it's close.

Your inaction is as bad as the action of perpetrators. It's almost worse because you condone the rape, the beating, the groping, the violation. Your inaction is like I am being violated again. When you tell me that I make you feel uncomfortable and awkward because I speak out and won't be silenced, I don't give a fuck. You need to be told! You need to be moved to action.

As a bystander you perpetuate rape culture. When you stay friends with my rapist, you tell him, "Hey man, I know you fucked up, but everyone makes mistakes. But I'm still here for you cuz you're my bro and I love you." You don't tell him that he's wrong. That he harmed another human being. You tell him that even though administrations or police have told him that he is wrong, that THEY are really the wrong ones because what do they know about being bro in this world anyway? We all fuck up and sometimes that fucking up means you fuck some bitch that didn't want it. But who cares?

I care. My friends care. I don't want to speak for everyone, but there are people out there who give a fuck! We get called "too sensitive," that we "over-react," "feminazis," that we should "chill out," or that we just don't "understand" what really happened. We understand. Trust me, we all fucking understand. I don't think you are the one that understands.

So let me lay it out for you. I will not speak for all survivors. I will not give you the details of my rape because you don't fucking deserve it. You don't deserve me having to live through my experience again. And having the pity and the looks and the awkward hugs from people I don't know. I don't need people walking on eggshells. I need them to do something about rape culture.

I am not one to just tell you to do "something" and leave it at that. I want you to succeed. So, here is what I want you to do. I want you to get educated. I want you to research and read and listen to what rape culture is and how it hurts women and men. This is more than going to Take Back the Night. You need understand how street harassment, the media, and your words feed into rape culture.

Once you understand this I want you to speak. Tell people what rape culture is; help them change their actions as you change your own. Women have been yelling and writing about rape and violence for decades and you can see the result. We still have a long way to go for women and men to be safe. I say "and men" because men are survivors of rape and violence as well.

On a personal note, here is what I need from you. Stop telling me things I already know. Yes, I know that university police and administrations are really bad at responding to rape. Trust me, I am fully aware. I know it's not my fault. I know so many things. Stop telling me. I want you to do something. If the administration is so bad, can you go yell at them for me? Because I am tired of yelling by myself. A lot of survivors are. Do you know what I've found? People like to dismiss groups of survivors when they talk about rape. We need allies. Also, if it's not my fault, please vocally say who is at fault. A lot of people just like to say "It's not your fault." What I do not hear is who's fault it is. Say it. Out loud. And after that, take actions to tell them it is their fault. You don't have to actually tell them, but stop condoning their behavior. If he is a member of your organization, kick him out. By keeping him there you are telling him that his behavior will not affect his social standing. I want his social status to suffer. I have a new social status now. Why can't he? I am sick of seeing only "authoritative" (i.e. from administration or a judge) punishment but never any social punishment.

I ask you stop being a bystander as a personal request. You can help me stop feeling so scared and anxious. I'm sure you've heard all about PTSD and the psychological consequences of traumatic events, but I'm going to give you a first hand account. This is so you can stop telling me things I already know or worse telling me that I don't "understand" how complicated rape is. I walk around with a constant orb of anxiety and panic in my chest. It is just there, waiting. It waits for someone to accidentally touch me or for someone to suddenly be walking too closely behind me. It waits for someone to make an insensitive remark about rape or sexual assault or women in general. It waits for the trigger to get pulled so that it can become panic. When that trigger is pulled there is an adrenaline rush that would make those stupid Crank movies jealous. My chest constricts until I am sure I cannot breathe. I can feel my body straighten and become hyper aware. My entire being becomes ready for an attack. And every time this happens it's as if the entire initial incident is happening again. Every time someone accidentally triggers me they accidentally violate me. In essence my request is simple: stop being insensitive. Stop making rape jokes. Stop touching people you don't know. Respect people's space. Give an adequate trigger warning before you start talking about sexual assault. For the love of god, THINK!

My dear, bystander friend, please listen to this request. If anything, just think about it for a little bit. If you decide that you like being a bystander (and if you continue your behavior that is what you are deciding), I hope you have a good damn reason for it. Such a good reason that you would be able to look me in the eye (or in the eye of any survivor) and tell it to me. Once you have this reason, imagine telling your mother, grandmother, sister, girlfriend, or another female close to you. Would you be able to?

I wish you all the best.

Morals and Gynecology

*Note: This entry will contain some details pertaining to my sexual life as it is relevant to my recent gynecology visit.

This morning I went to my gynecologist to discuss changing my birth control. Sounds easy right? And modern. "Look at that modern, independent young woman taking charge over her sex life!" Fuck yes.
As background, I've been on the Pill for 5 years and decided it was time to graduate from what I was taking as a teenager to control horrible cramps and acne. I went into the office looking to discuss the pros and cons of NuvaRing and an IUD. What I was not anticipating was being told to get married.

That's right. My gynecologist told me to get married. He (yes, my gynecologist is a dude) didn't start off the appointment with that, of course. There were the standard questions of why I want to switch (pills are hard to remember, I want something more effective) and why NuvaRing or an IUD (put it in and I can forget!, IUD is more effective, friends have said good things). Then we got to the fun part: questions regarding my sexual history. *The following conversation is not verbatim, it's what I remember. I don't go to my gynecologist with a tape recorder. Weird, I know.
Gyno: "Have you ever been pregnant?"
Me: "Nope"
Gyno: "Any plans to become so in the near future?"
Me: *laughs* and then notices look of disapproval and surprise from gyno "umm I mean, no"
Gyno: "What's your current relationship?"
Me: "Facebook would say complicated. I say sexually monogamous."
Gyno: "How many sexual partners have you had?"
Me: *number*
Gyno: "In the last five years?"
Me: *same number*
Gyno: "So, I ask all these questions because we aren't just concerned about pregnancy. It's not the only thing you can catch from sex. Do you know the most effective method of prevention?"
Me: *feeling like a 7th-grader* "Abstinence."
Gyno: "Right. You know, there's been a lot of research recently about how limiting the number of sexual partners makes women psychologically healthier. The more partners a woman has, the more likely she is to develop anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and a lower socioeconomic status"
Me: *inappropriate chuckling to make up for horror*
Gyno: "Now, we can't undo the past, but you can make up for it. Studies have shown that married people live longer than those who don't or stay in long term, committed relationships. Not getting married is the same as smoking 2 packs a day on your health. Women who get married are happy, healthier, and do better socioeconomically. Marriages do better if you don't have sex before and don't live together first. I would recommend that you find a guy you really like, not have sex, and then get married."
Me: *laughter is now hard to contain* "Well, that's...interesting. I'm actually writing my thesis on purity movements and how they are part of rape culture, so this is really fascinating."
Gyno: "I don't know what research you've done but a good book to read is The Case for Marriage. Now, in your case I don't feel entirely comfortable inserting an IUD because you're at a higher risk for STDs which are harder to treat with an IUD. But if you insist on an IUD, then I will still insert it."
Me: "I'm leaning toward an IUD just because it's more effective against pregnancy."
Gyno: "Ok, that's fine. Especially if you're in a monogamous relationship now."
And then boring medical things.

When I went to the doctor I wasn't anticipating a conversation I'd probably have with someone else's really conservative grandmother (my grandmother is awesome and doesn't tell me to get married). As a disclaimer, the number I didn't give in this blog is still in single digits and my gynecologist still implied that I'm too sexually active. Hmmm.
Now, for the ranting.
 First of all, how do you know what is going to make me psychologically happier? You don't know my emotions, my coping mechanisms, my views on sex and relationships, hell, you really don't know me. But you feel the need to pass judgement on me by using "research." (BTW, I haven't fact checked him yet). Should science/research really be dictating the decisions of women? Just because some university psychologists found that marriage or only have one sex partner is best for "women" does that mean we should listen? Also, which women? What are the demographics of these women?
Second, women do economically better in marriages because women still make less money than men. A two-worker household does better than one. That's math, not general health advice. I, personally, would rather get rid of the wage gap as opposed to get married.
Third, it seems like he is only ok with me getting an IUD because it looks like I've "settled down." Dafuq?
Fourth, yes, my decision to get an IUD was heavily influenced by him basically saying, "I think you're too slutty for this."
Fifth, At least he looked shocked and disgusted when I explained my thoughts on how abstinence is part of rape culture.
Sixth, he's a white, older man giving advice to a young, (seemingly) white woman. Hello, the 1950s.
Seventh, it's problematic that I still feel the need to yell, "MY NUMBER IS A SINGLE DIGIT! I'M NOT A SLUT!" Like, fuck. I'm still trying to deal with the fact that slut is still a stigma in my own mind when it really gets down to it. How do I overcome that?
Eighth, what do you mean we can't "undo the past?" Are you saying I should be ashamed of my past sexual experiences? Are you saying that what I've done is shameful? Also, because I've had sex in the past puts me at higher risk NOW for STDs? Dude, I've been tested. I'm clean. Those past sex-capades didn't give me anything. Why are you assuming that because I have what you deem to be a high number I am engaging in unsafe practices with a shit ton of people?
Ninth, as lovely as your concern is, by expressing it as you did you are merely perpetuating sexist ideas regarding female sexuality. I really don't need that in my life. I hope you don't give the same lecture to all your patients.
Tenth, Imma find a new gynecologist.

Disclaimer

For the purpose of clarity:

- I am only stating opinions. I am not trying to dictate what is right or wrong or correct within feminisms. I am stating my personal point of view, and encourage disagreement. 

- I do not believe there is a "right" point of view for feminisms. I think there is a standard criteria for what feminisms are, who qualifies as feminist, and what constructive activism looks like. 

- I swear because I like it. 

-I moderate all comments.

- I am not trying to convince people of my point of view. This is not a conversion campaign. Again, I think there are multiple views in feminisms (hence feminism being plural). 

-I write this blog for multiple reasons: 1. as an outlet for my rants/thoughts without directly bothering everyone 2. to promote discussion and thinking 

- My blog is not activist. I am not going to change the world with this shit. At most, I will make people question what they think and believe. But unless there is concrete action to work toward gender/sex equality, this blog is only a public journal of feminist rants. 

-I understand that awareness needs to be raised for various people. But if we only focus on raising awareness, we stop moving forward. Those who have political consciousness need to continue onto activism as they (if they want to) continue to consciousness raise. 

-I define "action/activism" as rallying, volunteering, actively trying to change policies, fundraising, etc. There are other ways to define activism, but I agree with this definition. 

-If you really don't like what I have to say, you don't have to read it. That's the beauty of the internet. 

"I Need Feminism Because..."

I really fucking hate that statement. "I need feminism because..." I don't give a shit! Everyone needs feminism. I understand that this is a great consciousness raising exercise, but don't confuse it for activism. It isn't. Activism is saying "Feminisms need me because..." Because let's face it, when you say "I need feminism because" it sounds like you want some magical force Feminism to make things better for you without actually doing anything. Also, what we need are comprehensive and protected human rights and a basic sense of human dignity and respect to be upheld.
*Side note: I also hate that it hegemonizes feminisms and to an extent.
We need to be focusing on how we can further feminisms and make those needs and dreams realities. Basically, stop bitching. Bitching is when you complain about things without trying to solve the problem. That is what this phenomenon promotes. If it had a focus on how we can get the things we need, it would be brainstorming or ranting. Maybe if the phrase went "I Need Feminism Because...and this is how I plan to get it..." I would be less annoyed.
I have also compiled a list of "Feminisms need me because..."
...because "I'm not a feminist but..." still exists
...because there is constantly confusion as to what feminisms are and what they do and who feminists are
...because Sarah Palin shouldn't be able to claim herself as a feminist
...because feminists, especially young ones, are getting shit for just sitting around and complaining and not taking action
...because the "angry feminist" stereotype still exists
...because feminisms need to be diverse
....because it isn't fair for feminisms to be expected to be all-inclusive, all the time in everything that feminists write.
...because having a woman in the public sphere shouldn't be seen as having "diversity"

I understand that this is a more controversial post and that not everyone is going to agree with me. This is simply my opinion. Raising consciousness through social media campaigns is a lovely first step to activism and a necessary part of feminisms. Consciousness raising is not the end goal of feminisms; changing the social structure of patriarchy and fighting for gender/sex equality is. We won't get that just by talking about it.

This goes out to all the mamas out there

I'll be up front: I really really dislike children. I have absolutely no desire to reproduce. However, I do appreciate parents, especially mothers. I love my mother. She did, as still does, a lot. She's a single mom so she had the wonderful task of raising two children without a second parent around. Yes, she had support from other family members, but from what I gather that isn't the same as having a second parental figure around 24/7 to help raise your progeny. Being raised by a single mom did a lot to shape my ideas of parents and what they should be doing.
Firstly, I really think we need to get over this whole division of labour way of looking at parenting. Are you really going to argue over who does the dishes? Also, I'm fairly certain your children (unless they are quite young) can help you with basic tasks. I definitely "helped" my mom clean when I was little. It teaches your children how to be adults...which gets to my second point.
Two: parents should be more focused than they seemingly are on raising their kids to just be decent human beings. Because, newsflash, CHILDREN ARE PEOPLE...or they will become people. That really depends on your definition of "person" (which is a discussion for a different blog post). I'm pretty sure my mom went into the whole parenting thing thinking "As long as Lindsey just keeps this whole decapitation thing to Barbies, my job as her mother will be done." She just wanted me to not become a serial killer. Isn't that all we really want from kids?
Basic things parents should be teaching their kids:
1. How to resolve conflicts so that decapitation isn't the answer
2. How to clean up after themselves
3. To be humble enough to call for a ride home when you're too schwasted to drive
4. How to balance a checkbook and file your taxes
5. Basic moral code (i.e. don't kill people, don't lie, don't cheat, etc. )
6. How to be your own person
This is in no a comprehensive list, but basically parents need to teach their kids basic life skills. I think the best way to do this is through example. For instance, I have a really fun anecdote about number 3. When I was 16, my mom got real drunk at staff party. I was babysitting for the (sober) co-worker she went to the party with, so when my mom's co-worker came back home with my drunk mom it was suddenly my responsibility to drive us home. Disclaimer: I was not the best teenage driver. By this point, I had already totaled two cars. So my mom had a lot of faith in my abilities. When my mom stumbled through that door, she leaned onto me as drunk people tend to do, and looked me (kinda) square in the eye and slurred "You gotta take us home. I can't do it" as she handed me the car keys.
The point of the story is not to make my mom look like a sloppy, irresponsible drunk. Rather what it shows is that parents aren't perfect, and they shouldn't pretend to be. After driving my mom home and holding her hair as she puked up tequila, I learned. One, that tequila smells disgusting coming back up. And two, everyone fucks up. Everyone is going to need a ride home and you shouldn't judge them for that. I know I felt a lot better drunk calling my mom one night a few years later asking for a ride home. It built trust.
Which gets me to another point. Why is there such a formal relationship between parents and children? Why doe people think that there needs to be such an obvious authoritative relationship? I think parents and kids need to get to know each other as PEOPLE, not as that human being that came out of my vagina. There needs to be trust built and mutual respect. Parents are supposed to look out for their kids and have their best interests at heart. I think that would be a lot easier if parents actually knew their kids.

Thoughts on Masculinity

Monday I attended a lecture about masculinities scholarship. I've also been doing a lot of reading for class regarding masculinity. Did you know there is currently a crisis in masculinity? Men do not know how to act like men. One reason for this existential crisis is that as women enter the workforce and assert more aggressive tendencies, previously reserved for men, men do not know how to differentiate themselves from women.
Hmmm
I am still figuring out what to think about this. What do you mean men don't know how to act masculine? I find this intriguing since the masculinist arguments I have come across are also biologically essentialist. Stating that men do not know how to assert their masculinity implies that masculinity is taught and socialized. But if men and women are inherently different and this comes out in our behaviour, does masculinity really need to be taught? If femininity and masculinity are so fundamental to human existence, why must they be taught?
I do not buy into the idea of masculine versus feminine. I do think there are different ways to perform identity, but I do not think that performance needs to be gendered. What is the purpose of gendering performance?
One obvious answer is that performance is a component of attraction. Women are more attracted to assertive men and men are attracted...too...well all women? I know that's a bullshit argument, but I find the whole gender performance as a mating ritual a bullshit idea. I think that it makes attraction and desire too base. Attraction is still a mysterious thing. It isn't common knowledge what makes people attracted to each other. Maybe performance is part of it. But think of this: if identity performance was based on who we are as people rather than gendered notions of performance, wouldn't our relationships turn out better? Are you really attracted to your partner because s/he performs his/her gender so well? If you are just casually fucking them, then the answer may be yes. But if you are in a committed relationship, you probably like him/her as a person and less as a prime example of gender performativity.
I think we should just stop worrying so much about crises of masculinity or femininity. Let's just worry about how we act as people and perform our identities. Should gender really be a part of that?

Anti-feminist vs. Sexist

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure "anti-feminist" isn't really a thing. In fact, I am fairly certain that the opposite of feminist is sexist. Anti-feminism is sexism.
Let's do some quick (and overgeneralized) definitions.
What is feminism?
Trick question. There are actually multiple types of feminisms. Emphasis on the S as the end. Fun fact, when you type feminisms you get the red squiggly line of death underneath it. I promise you though, it is a real word and concept. Feminisms vary by issue, but all are committed to the equity (you can say equality but that is some problematic language) of all genders/sexual orientations. Feminisms are more than just making women equal to men. Firstly, which men are we trying to be equal to? I'm assuming white, rich men because let's face it they have all the power. But are we really trying for power?
I digress.
Sexism is discrimination of a person/persons based on the sex/gender that the sexist person identifies s/he as. Homophobia discriminates based on a persons supposed sexual orientation.
I am aware that I am being really vague and round about with my wording. But that's because gender/sex identity is so much more complicated than man/woman. Same with sexual orientation. These are not things that can be put nicely into labeled boxes. They are more complex than that.
So, back to my point. What is an anti-feminist? Someone who is against feminism. Someone who is against gender equity (if not equity in general). This kind of sounds like a sexist. Ta-dah! They are the same thing!
Now, I really don't like the term anti-feminist. It's like you're trying to say "I'm not sexist but, I really think women should be heterosexual, pregnant, and in the kitchen" (being pregnant doesn't mean you're heterosexual). It also is just bad English. It's not a word. I don't care if you put anti in front of an existing word, if there is already a word for what you are trying to describe, just use it.
For example: Pinterest does not have anti-feminist undertones. It has sexist undertones. It actually has a fuck ton of sexist undertones. In fact, depending on which board or category you are browsing or even who you follow, it's just straight up sexist. But the same can be said of the world.
Put that in your juicebox and suck it.

Some gems

Here are some of my favorite moments from Harvey Mansfield's article "Some Doubts about Feminism"

"feminism should be understood originally and essentially as neo-Marxism" (p292)
"Women have always felt they were put upon, and today they seem to feel less so" (p295)
"The complementarity of the sexes is forgotten or denied, and it is replaced by 'choice'" (p296)
"But the only family is the traditional family. The one-parent family - a euphemism for a fatherless family - does not as a rule keep women as happy as the traditional family" (p296)
"The family atmosphere is now more competitive between husband and wife, and it does not appear that women are usually winners in the competition or that they gain by having to compete with their husbands" (p297)
"Feminism has left women with a choice indeed, but one between swallowing the unacceptable and further agitation toward the unattainable" (p297)
"On the contrary, it seems to me that the standard of excellence in the most prestigious positions has been lowered by the normal entrance of women" (p297)
"Feminists have come to demand equality without considering whether equality is just, and even when it is plainly unjust" (p298)
"They [feminists] try to manipulate our admiration for greatness as if their justice could even out greatness or level it down. But great merit rules justice, and is not ruled by justice" (p298)
"It is a philosophy of irresponsibility, claiming in effect that women should be as selfish as men" (p298)
"Women - or the best women - took a quiet satisfaction from their family duties that was rarely disturbed by expressions of gratitude from the husband and children they benefited" (p299)
"Feminism is about independence more than equality; or it is about equality in independence. Yet the independence consists, not in unselfish satisfaction, but in getting credit or recognition from others" (p299)
"when women have become as selfish as men, they have also become as obtuse" (p299)
"A woman does not get enough credit for taking care of her own child; so she sends him to day care and takes a job where she can be important, like a man" (p299)
"The byword of the feminist side of the abortion debate is choice, and the meaning of choice when a woman chooses abortion is almost always choice without responsibility for a previous choice to have sex" (p299
"But it hurts women when they treat human life as a matter of their convenience" (p299)
"Their responsibility takes the form of protectiveness toward women when men earn a living not just for themselves but also for their wives and families. Feminism rejects male protectiveness because it allows men to believe in their owns superiority, and it substitutes male 'support' for their wives' independence and equality" (p299-300)
"Facts suggest that many men support their wives' independence by walking out on them, leaving them to support their own independence" (p300)
"Yet that justice gives women equal access to employment and thereby the right to displace men with families to support. It denies, or obstructs, a man's responsibility to take care of his family" (300)

If you ever doubt your feminism...

You should read Harvey Mansfield's "Some Doubts about Feminism." It's a gem. My copy is covered with notes reading "Sexist!" and "Fuck you."  Here are my thoughts about it.

When I finished reading this piece, I was angry. After taking a few days to cool off, I know why this article upsets me. Mansfield is incredibly vague; his ambiguity creates overarching claims against women and feminists. His definition of feminism and women bothers me. Firstly, are there really two kinds of feminism and are they really defined as "moderate" and "radical?" Also, who are these women? All women? He never says who these women and feminists are. When feminist articles have some doubts about patriarchy, they are very specific about who is involved, where it happens, how it happens, etc. That is one of the reasons for the wide array of "academic varieties" of feminism. His definition of the "radical" feminist sounds like the stereotypical "femi-nazi" (thanks, Limbaugh). Does that feminist even exist? According to Mansfield, feminism is Neo-Marxist. This is a specific type of feminism. Not all feminism is Neo-Marxist. In fact, there are feminists who do not agree with Marx; yes, Engels made a contribution to feminism, but that does not mean feminism is Neo-Marxist. In regard to his claim that Freud is a "progenitor of American feminism," it takes more than a statement that women have sexual desire to make one a "feminist." Freud also made women into neurotics, encouraged (created?) the myth of the vaginal orgasm, and his psychoanalysis was used to promote rigid sex roles. Mansfield's book report about The Second Sex was wanting. He did not understand even the basic definition of de Beauvoir's transcendence. I don't think he read the book (or at least carefully) since it answers some of his lingering questions on page 293 of his article (Maybe I'll send him the new, complete translation...). If he is going to make claims about feminism as a theory and it's origins, he should at least get basic facts correct, all of which he could have easily obtained in any basic WGS/feminism/women's studies class. Or he could even buy Feminism for Dummies, I'm sure it exists. 

Mansfield over simplifies. The family, according to Mansfield, is the centerpiece of the article. When he discusses family it is the "traditional" (non-existent) family. He does not want to challenge notions of family and gender/sex roles. Why should we simply accept that "sex roles are necessary to the family?" We measure the success of a type of family in terms that are defined by patriarchal capitalism. Why are illegitimacy, single parenthood, divorce, and abortion rates signs of failing family? 

In short, he makes incorrect, broad and sweeping claims. He does not substantiate any of his arguments or define key ideas in his argument. The article is blatantly sexist and never makes an attempt to conceal that fact. 

Feminism strives to change the patriarchal society we live in. Therefore it makes no sense to gauge its success in patriarchal terms. 

It's just polite

Part of my job is to hold open doors. People come in, I open the door. People leave, I open the door. It's what I do. It's also polite for people to hold open doors for each other.
Now, as I hold open doors there are always two different reactions. The first reaction is of surprise and gratitude. Apparently, people don't hold open doors for anyone anymore, so this gesture (that I'm paid to do) surprises people.
The second reaction always, without fail pisses me off. It's when men, usually older, white men, stop and try to hold the door for me (um, dude, I'm not going anywhere, stop) or say something along the lines of "pretty girls like you shouldn't be holding open doors." For example, last night as I was headed into work I stopped to open the door for two older (white) gentlemen. I wasn't doing this because I was getting paid (I wasn't on the clock yet), but because it was polite. Rather than just go through the door, they had to stop, attempt to grab the door from me, and tell me to go ahead. They said, "No, sweetie, you go on in, it's chilly out here" with slight chuckles.
"No, sir, you go ahead, I already have the door," I replied.
"Nope, you go in, honey."
"Sir, I work here, and I'm supposed to hold this door. Go."
"So, since you work here you can't go inside?"
"No what? Fine. Whatever." and then under my breath "Fucking annoying sexist asses" The under my breath part might have been a tad loud.
What does one's genitalia have to do with whether or not they hold open a fucking door? Are you holding open the door with your dick? If you are, then yes, your genitals do determine who opens the door. But since almost everyone opens doors with their arms, your sex/gender doesn't matter.
I am not taking a swipe at your masculinity by holding a door for you. I am being polite. I am being a decent human being. Anyone can hold open doors. And anyone can go through doors regardless of who is holding them.
And as a side note, don't call strangers pet names. It's obnoxious and you don't me well enough to call me "sweetie" or "honey." In fact, most people who know me don't even call me such condescending bullshit.