Hey Bro,
I'm not going to beat around the bush here. If your feelings get hurt, it is only a fraction of the hurt I have felt as a consequence to you being a bystander. There will be no apologies.
You disgust me. You make the core of my being shake in anger and frustration. You don't make the knot of anxiety and fear in the middle of my chest want to puke and run like rapists and perpetrators of sexual assault, but it's close.
Your inaction is as bad as the action of perpetrators. It's almost worse because you condone the rape, the beating, the groping, the violation. Your inaction is like I am being violated again. When you tell me that I make you feel uncomfortable and awkward because I speak out and won't be silenced, I don't give a fuck. You need to be told! You need to be moved to action.
As a bystander you perpetuate rape culture. When you stay friends with my rapist, you tell him, "Hey man, I know you fucked up, but everyone makes mistakes. But I'm still here for you cuz you're my bro and I love you." You don't tell him that he's wrong. That he harmed another human being. You tell him that even though administrations or police have told him that he is wrong, that THEY are really the wrong ones because what do they know about being bro in this world anyway? We all fuck up and sometimes that fucking up means you fuck some bitch that didn't want it. But who cares?
I care. My friends care. I don't want to speak for everyone, but there are people out there who give a fuck! We get called "too sensitive," that we "over-react," "feminazis," that we should "chill out," or that we just don't "understand" what really happened. We understand. Trust me, we all fucking understand. I don't think you are the one that understands.
So let me lay it out for you. I will not speak for all survivors. I will not give you the details of my rape because you don't fucking deserve it. You don't deserve me having to live through my experience again. And having the pity and the looks and the awkward hugs from people I don't know. I don't need people walking on eggshells. I need them to do something about rape culture.
I am not one to just tell you to do "something" and leave it at that. I want you to succeed. So, here is what I want you to do. I want you to get educated. I want you to research and read and listen to what rape culture is and how it hurts women and men. This is more than going to Take Back the Night. You need understand how street harassment, the media, and your words feed into rape culture.
Once you understand this I want you to speak. Tell people what rape culture is; help them change their actions as you change your own. Women have been yelling and writing about rape and violence for decades and you can see the result. We still have a long way to go for women and men to be safe. I say "and men" because men are survivors of rape and violence as well.
On a personal note, here is what I need from you. Stop telling me things I already know. Yes, I know that university police and administrations are really bad at responding to rape. Trust me, I am fully aware. I know it's not my fault. I know so many things. Stop telling me. I want you to do something. If the administration is so bad, can you go yell at them for me? Because I am tired of yelling by myself. A lot of survivors are. Do you know what I've found? People like to dismiss groups of survivors when they talk about rape. We need allies. Also, if it's not my fault, please vocally say who is at fault. A lot of people just like to say "It's not your fault." What I do not hear is who's fault it is. Say it. Out loud. And after that, take actions to tell them it is their fault. You don't have to actually tell them, but stop condoning their behavior. If he is a member of your organization, kick him out. By keeping him there you are telling him that his behavior will not affect his social standing. I want his social status to suffer. I have a new social status now. Why can't he? I am sick of seeing only "authoritative" (i.e. from administration or a judge) punishment but never any social punishment.
I ask you stop being a bystander as a personal request. You can help me stop feeling so scared and anxious. I'm sure you've heard all about PTSD and the psychological consequences of traumatic events, but I'm going to give you a first hand account. This is so you can stop telling me things I already know or worse telling me that I don't "understand" how complicated rape is. I walk around with a constant orb of anxiety and panic in my chest. It is just there, waiting. It waits for someone to accidentally touch me or for someone to suddenly be walking too closely behind me. It waits for someone to make an insensitive remark about rape or sexual assault or women in general. It waits for the trigger to get pulled so that it can become panic. When that trigger is pulled there is an adrenaline rush that would make those stupid Crank movies jealous. My chest constricts until I am sure I cannot breathe. I can feel my body straighten and become hyper aware. My entire being becomes ready for an attack. And every time this happens it's as if the entire initial incident is happening again. Every time someone accidentally triggers me they accidentally violate me. In essence my request is simple: stop being insensitive. Stop making rape jokes. Stop touching people you don't know. Respect people's space. Give an adequate trigger warning before you start talking about sexual assault. For the love of god, THINK!
My dear, bystander friend, please listen to this request. If anything, just think about it for a little bit. If you decide that you like being a bystander (and if you continue your behavior that is what you are deciding), I hope you have a good damn reason for it. Such a good reason that you would be able to look me in the eye (or in the eye of any survivor) and tell it to me. Once you have this reason, imagine telling your mother, grandmother, sister, girlfriend, or another female close to you. Would you be able to?
I wish you all the best.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Morals and Gynecology
*Note: This entry will contain some details pertaining to my sexual life as it is relevant to my recent gynecology visit.
This morning I went to my gynecologist to discuss changing my birth control. Sounds easy right? And modern. "Look at that modern, independent young woman taking charge over her sex life!" Fuck yes.
As background, I've been on the Pill for 5 years and decided it was time to graduate from what I was taking as a teenager to control horrible cramps and acne. I went into the office looking to discuss the pros and cons of NuvaRing and an IUD. What I was not anticipating was being told to get married.
That's right. My gynecologist told me to get married. He (yes, my gynecologist is a dude) didn't start off the appointment with that, of course. There were the standard questions of why I want to switch (pills are hard to remember, I want something more effective) and why NuvaRing or an IUD (put it in and I can forget!, IUD is more effective, friends have said good things). Then we got to the fun part: questions regarding my sexual history. *The following conversation is not verbatim, it's what I remember. I don't go to my gynecologist with a tape recorder. Weird, I know.
Gyno: "Have you ever been pregnant?"
Me: "Nope"
Gyno: "Any plans to become so in the near future?"
Me: *laughs* and then notices look of disapproval and surprise from gyno "umm I mean, no"
Gyno: "What's your current relationship?"
Me: "Facebook would say complicated. I say sexually monogamous."
Gyno: "How many sexual partners have you had?"
Me: *number*
Gyno: "In the last five years?"
Me: *same number*
Gyno: "So, I ask all these questions because we aren't just concerned about pregnancy. It's not the only thing you can catch from sex. Do you know the most effective method of prevention?"
Me: *feeling like a 7th-grader* "Abstinence."
Gyno: "Right. You know, there's been a lot of research recently about how limiting the number of sexual partners makes women psychologically healthier. The more partners a woman has, the more likely she is to develop anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and a lower socioeconomic status"
Me: *inappropriate chuckling to make up for horror*
Gyno: "Now, we can't undo the past, but you can make up for it. Studies have shown that married people live longer than those who don't or stay in long term, committed relationships. Not getting married is the same as smoking 2 packs a day on your health. Women who get married are happy, healthier, and do better socioeconomically. Marriages do better if you don't have sex before and don't live together first. I would recommend that you find a guy you really like, not have sex, and then get married."
Me: *laughter is now hard to contain* "Well, that's...interesting. I'm actually writing my thesis on purity movements and how they are part of rape culture, so this is really fascinating."
Gyno: "I don't know what research you've done but a good book to read is The Case for Marriage. Now, in your case I don't feel entirely comfortable inserting an IUD because you're at a higher risk for STDs which are harder to treat with an IUD. But if you insist on an IUD, then I will still insert it."
Me: "I'm leaning toward an IUD just because it's more effective against pregnancy."
Gyno: "Ok, that's fine. Especially if you're in a monogamous relationship now."
And then boring medical things.
When I went to the doctor I wasn't anticipating a conversation I'd probably have with someone else's really conservative grandmother (my grandmother is awesome and doesn't tell me to get married). As a disclaimer, the number I didn't give in this blog is still in single digits and my gynecologist still implied that I'm too sexually active. Hmmm.
Now, for the ranting.
First of all, how do you know what is going to make me psychologically happier? You don't know my emotions, my coping mechanisms, my views on sex and relationships, hell, you really don't know me. But you feel the need to pass judgement on me by using "research." (BTW, I haven't fact checked him yet). Should science/research really be dictating the decisions of women? Just because some university psychologists found that marriage or only have one sex partner is best for "women" does that mean we should listen? Also, which women? What are the demographics of these women?
Second, women do economically better in marriages because women still make less money than men. A two-worker household does better than one. That's math, not general health advice. I, personally, would rather get rid of the wage gap as opposed to get married.
Third, it seems like he is only ok with me getting an IUD because it looks like I've "settled down." Dafuq?
Fourth, yes, my decision to get an IUD was heavily influenced by him basically saying, "I think you're too slutty for this."
Fifth, At least he looked shocked and disgusted when I explained my thoughts on how abstinence is part of rape culture.
Sixth, he's a white, older man giving advice to a young, (seemingly) white woman. Hello, the 1950s.
Seventh, it's problematic that I still feel the need to yell, "MY NUMBER IS A SINGLE DIGIT! I'M NOT A SLUT!" Like, fuck. I'm still trying to deal with the fact that slut is still a stigma in my own mind when it really gets down to it. How do I overcome that?
Eighth, what do you mean we can't "undo the past?" Are you saying I should be ashamed of my past sexual experiences? Are you saying that what I've done is shameful? Also, because I've had sex in the past puts me at higher risk NOW for STDs? Dude, I've been tested. I'm clean. Those past sex-capades didn't give me anything. Why are you assuming that because I have what you deem to be a high number I am engaging in unsafe practices with a shit ton of people?
Ninth, as lovely as your concern is, by expressing it as you did you are merely perpetuating sexist ideas regarding female sexuality. I really don't need that in my life. I hope you don't give the same lecture to all your patients.
Tenth, Imma find a new gynecologist.
This morning I went to my gynecologist to discuss changing my birth control. Sounds easy right? And modern. "Look at that modern, independent young woman taking charge over her sex life!" Fuck yes.
As background, I've been on the Pill for 5 years and decided it was time to graduate from what I was taking as a teenager to control horrible cramps and acne. I went into the office looking to discuss the pros and cons of NuvaRing and an IUD. What I was not anticipating was being told to get married.
That's right. My gynecologist told me to get married. He (yes, my gynecologist is a dude) didn't start off the appointment with that, of course. There were the standard questions of why I want to switch (pills are hard to remember, I want something more effective) and why NuvaRing or an IUD (put it in and I can forget!, IUD is more effective, friends have said good things). Then we got to the fun part: questions regarding my sexual history. *The following conversation is not verbatim, it's what I remember. I don't go to my gynecologist with a tape recorder. Weird, I know.
Gyno: "Have you ever been pregnant?"
Me: "Nope"
Gyno: "Any plans to become so in the near future?"
Me: *laughs* and then notices look of disapproval and surprise from gyno "umm I mean, no"
Gyno: "What's your current relationship?"
Me: "Facebook would say complicated. I say sexually monogamous."
Gyno: "How many sexual partners have you had?"
Me: *number*
Gyno: "In the last five years?"
Me: *same number*
Gyno: "So, I ask all these questions because we aren't just concerned about pregnancy. It's not the only thing you can catch from sex. Do you know the most effective method of prevention?"
Me: *feeling like a 7th-grader* "Abstinence."
Gyno: "Right. You know, there's been a lot of research recently about how limiting the number of sexual partners makes women psychologically healthier. The more partners a woman has, the more likely she is to develop anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and a lower socioeconomic status"
Me: *inappropriate chuckling to make up for horror*
Gyno: "Now, we can't undo the past, but you can make up for it. Studies have shown that married people live longer than those who don't or stay in long term, committed relationships. Not getting married is the same as smoking 2 packs a day on your health. Women who get married are happy, healthier, and do better socioeconomically. Marriages do better if you don't have sex before and don't live together first. I would recommend that you find a guy you really like, not have sex, and then get married."
Me: *laughter is now hard to contain* "Well, that's...interesting. I'm actually writing my thesis on purity movements and how they are part of rape culture, so this is really fascinating."
Gyno: "I don't know what research you've done but a good book to read is The Case for Marriage. Now, in your case I don't feel entirely comfortable inserting an IUD because you're at a higher risk for STDs which are harder to treat with an IUD. But if you insist on an IUD, then I will still insert it."
Me: "I'm leaning toward an IUD just because it's more effective against pregnancy."
Gyno: "Ok, that's fine. Especially if you're in a monogamous relationship now."
And then boring medical things.
When I went to the doctor I wasn't anticipating a conversation I'd probably have with someone else's really conservative grandmother (my grandmother is awesome and doesn't tell me to get married). As a disclaimer, the number I didn't give in this blog is still in single digits and my gynecologist still implied that I'm too sexually active. Hmmm.
Now, for the ranting.
First of all, how do you know what is going to make me psychologically happier? You don't know my emotions, my coping mechanisms, my views on sex and relationships, hell, you really don't know me. But you feel the need to pass judgement on me by using "research." (BTW, I haven't fact checked him yet). Should science/research really be dictating the decisions of women? Just because some university psychologists found that marriage or only have one sex partner is best for "women" does that mean we should listen? Also, which women? What are the demographics of these women?
Second, women do economically better in marriages because women still make less money than men. A two-worker household does better than one. That's math, not general health advice. I, personally, would rather get rid of the wage gap as opposed to get married.
Third, it seems like he is only ok with me getting an IUD because it looks like I've "settled down." Dafuq?
Fourth, yes, my decision to get an IUD was heavily influenced by him basically saying, "I think you're too slutty for this."
Fifth, At least he looked shocked and disgusted when I explained my thoughts on how abstinence is part of rape culture.
Sixth, he's a white, older man giving advice to a young, (seemingly) white woman. Hello, the 1950s.
Seventh, it's problematic that I still feel the need to yell, "MY NUMBER IS A SINGLE DIGIT! I'M NOT A SLUT!" Like, fuck. I'm still trying to deal with the fact that slut is still a stigma in my own mind when it really gets down to it. How do I overcome that?
Eighth, what do you mean we can't "undo the past?" Are you saying I should be ashamed of my past sexual experiences? Are you saying that what I've done is shameful? Also, because I've had sex in the past puts me at higher risk NOW for STDs? Dude, I've been tested. I'm clean. Those past sex-capades didn't give me anything. Why are you assuming that because I have what you deem to be a high number I am engaging in unsafe practices with a shit ton of people?
Ninth, as lovely as your concern is, by expressing it as you did you are merely perpetuating sexist ideas regarding female sexuality. I really don't need that in my life. I hope you don't give the same lecture to all your patients.
Tenth, Imma find a new gynecologist.
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