It's happened. I've reached the point where I can't just shrug off certain phrases that I hear on a fairly regular basis.
Last week, a guy hit on me while I was at work, and instead of just doing the standard, non-committal shrug and smile, I just stared at him with the cold, dead eyes of an unamused woman.
My maximum bullshit tolerance has been reached, and as such, I am providing some of my favorite responses to the most obnoxious pieces of bullshitery I hear. Some of the responses, I have used. Others are things I thought of later (I hate when that happens!).
1. "You're so pretty when you smile. You should smile more." Or any variation thereof.
Ugh, you're pretty when you shut the fuck up. Or: I'll smile when you leave because then I'll be happy. Or that time when the cashier at Costco told me to smile and I said: "Well, I would but I'm pretty sure smiling is your job and not telling your customers what to do."
2. "I really couldn't care less that you're bi. It really doesn't mean that much to your personality."
Fuck off. Also, I'm not bi, I'm pan, so go fuck off some more. Oh, and my sexuality means A LOT to my identity so when you say that you "couldn't care less," I'm taking that to mean that you couldn't care less about me as a person. Which means, you guessed it, FUCK OFF.
Oh and when I told said person this, his reply was: "Well, you're a bitch and that makes you a bad person, not your sexual orientation."
My response? A smile :)
3. "You're so pretty why don't you have a boyfriend?"
Unamused face.
Oh, and thank you sooooo much for caring about my personality. Because apparently I'm a bitch.
4. "Have you ever considered being nicer?"
Yes, but then someone's an asshole and it takes way more energy for me to be nice than it does for me to be a bitch. If I need to apologize for said behavior later, I will. But I'm not going to alter my personality for someone who is acting in such a way that hurts me.
That's all I have for now...If you think of another insufferable phrase or sentiment that I didn't list here, feel free to let me know and I'll respond :)
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
OH...Oh YES...Baby
Oh baby, oh baby, yes, there. I hope you read that in the most monotonous voice possible because I'm going to share my thoughts on fake orgasms. Also known as false performance reviews.
As a cis-woman, this is coming from my experience with fake orgasms. I think I speak for a number of cis-women when I say that at some point we have faked orgasms. I'm also assuming that the hypothetical fake orgasm is occurring within consensual sex.
Let me begin with an anecdote of one time I faked an orgasm. The reasons behind this instance of pretend orgasming are representative of every other time I've faked it.
It was booty call hour (aka between 11 PM and daylight) and I was horny (we've all been there), so I contacted a guy that I was 90% sure found me attractive and was DTF. Now, I am not subtle. It's never been my thing. It's why I would make a horrible politician and/or spy. This is why my intentions for communicating became clear within the first 3 texts. Long story short, he came over. For further context, this was the first time I had sex with this person (and last *cough*) AND I hadn't had sex in about 11 weeks (but who's counting?). So, y'all can imagine how this went. Two overzealous, horny twenty-somethings with no knowledge of the other person's body having sex. It wasn't good. I tried resuscitating this failing sex in an attempt to get me an orgasm, but it wasn't working. After giving it my all, I had to admit defeat and let out a series of moans, pelvic thrusts, and the proper facial expression.
Why did I do this? Why didn't I just say: "Hey, I know you're trying really hard and that you're having a great time, but could you wrap this up? I'm just not going to orgasm. We can try something else, but we've been at this for awhile and I kind of want to go to bed. Thanks!"
Well, for a number of reasons:
1. The sex wasn't bad. Just because I wasn't going to orgasm didn't mean I wasn't enjoying myself.
2. That's a really awkward conversation to have while someone is inside of you.
3. And since this was the first time we were fucking, it was already pretty fucking awkward.
4. He seems like one of those guys that would get upset about not making me come. Like he was really trying. He was so enthusiastic and eager to please that I could just imagine his face drop at the realization that he didn't make me come. I'm a bitch, but I'm not completely heartless.
5. It takes less energy to fake an orgasm than it does to explain that you aren't going to come.
This brings up a number of points:
1. Orgasms aren't always the point of sex!
2. We (or at least I) need to figure out ways to communicate during sex without feeling awkward.
3. First time sex is awkward. But we have to overcome the awkward in order to communicate and have better sex.
4. Partners: it isn't the job of the not orgasming partner to make you feel better about the fact that they didn't come. While some partners are cool with that, I personally don't like babysitting another person's ego regarding their sexual prowess. I totally understand that it sucks when you can't get your partner off, but use it as a learning experience. Ask what you could do better next time and if the other person is ok with not orgasming. Also understand that just because your partner didn't orgasm, doesn't mean they didn't enjoy themselves.
5. If you don't feel comfortable telling someone you aren't going to orgasm or wanting to put in the energy to explain why you aren't going to orgasm, you probably shouldn't be fucking the person you are currently fucking. So, I probably shouldn't have fucked that guy, but sometimes it's late at night, I'm horny, and kinda sick of using my vibrator.
Faking an orgasm isn't necessarily bad. It's not a good thing either. I think it should be used as a last resort. Usually I try to ask myself: "Do I want to put the energy into this as a way to increase my chances for better sex with this person later? If yes, use your words. If no, go ahead and fake it.
As a cis-woman, this is coming from my experience with fake orgasms. I think I speak for a number of cis-women when I say that at some point we have faked orgasms. I'm also assuming that the hypothetical fake orgasm is occurring within consensual sex.
Let me begin with an anecdote of one time I faked an orgasm. The reasons behind this instance of pretend orgasming are representative of every other time I've faked it.
It was booty call hour (aka between 11 PM and daylight) and I was horny (we've all been there), so I contacted a guy that I was 90% sure found me attractive and was DTF. Now, I am not subtle. It's never been my thing. It's why I would make a horrible politician and/or spy. This is why my intentions for communicating became clear within the first 3 texts. Long story short, he came over. For further context, this was the first time I had sex with this person (and last *cough*) AND I hadn't had sex in about 11 weeks (but who's counting?). So, y'all can imagine how this went. Two overzealous, horny twenty-somethings with no knowledge of the other person's body having sex. It wasn't good. I tried resuscitating this failing sex in an attempt to get me an orgasm, but it wasn't working. After giving it my all, I had to admit defeat and let out a series of moans, pelvic thrusts, and the proper facial expression.
Why did I do this? Why didn't I just say: "Hey, I know you're trying really hard and that you're having a great time, but could you wrap this up? I'm just not going to orgasm. We can try something else, but we've been at this for awhile and I kind of want to go to bed. Thanks!"
Well, for a number of reasons:
1. The sex wasn't bad. Just because I wasn't going to orgasm didn't mean I wasn't enjoying myself.
2. That's a really awkward conversation to have while someone is inside of you.
3. And since this was the first time we were fucking, it was already pretty fucking awkward.
4. He seems like one of those guys that would get upset about not making me come. Like he was really trying. He was so enthusiastic and eager to please that I could just imagine his face drop at the realization that he didn't make me come. I'm a bitch, but I'm not completely heartless.
5. It takes less energy to fake an orgasm than it does to explain that you aren't going to come.
This brings up a number of points:
1. Orgasms aren't always the point of sex!
2. We (or at least I) need to figure out ways to communicate during sex without feeling awkward.
3. First time sex is awkward. But we have to overcome the awkward in order to communicate and have better sex.
4. Partners: it isn't the job of the not orgasming partner to make you feel better about the fact that they didn't come. While some partners are cool with that, I personally don't like babysitting another person's ego regarding their sexual prowess. I totally understand that it sucks when you can't get your partner off, but use it as a learning experience. Ask what you could do better next time and if the other person is ok with not orgasming. Also understand that just because your partner didn't orgasm, doesn't mean they didn't enjoy themselves.
5. If you don't feel comfortable telling someone you aren't going to orgasm or wanting to put in the energy to explain why you aren't going to orgasm, you probably shouldn't be fucking the person you are currently fucking. So, I probably shouldn't have fucked that guy, but sometimes it's late at night, I'm horny, and kinda sick of using my vibrator.
Faking an orgasm isn't necessarily bad. It's not a good thing either. I think it should be used as a last resort. Usually I try to ask myself: "Do I want to put the energy into this as a way to increase my chances for better sex with this person later? If yes, use your words. If no, go ahead and fake it.
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