Hey Bro,
I'm not going to beat around the bush here. If your feelings get hurt, it is only a fraction of the hurt I have felt as a consequence to you being a bystander. There will be no apologies.
You disgust me. You make the core of my being shake in anger and frustration. You don't make the knot of anxiety and fear in the middle of my chest want to puke and run like rapists and perpetrators of sexual assault, but it's close.
Your inaction is as bad as the action of perpetrators. It's almost worse because you condone the rape, the beating, the groping, the violation. Your inaction is like I am being violated again. When you tell me that I make you feel uncomfortable and awkward because I speak out and won't be silenced, I don't give a fuck. You need to be told! You need to be moved to action.
As a bystander you perpetuate rape culture. When you stay friends with my rapist, you tell him, "Hey man, I know you fucked up, but everyone makes mistakes. But I'm still here for you cuz you're my bro and I love you." You don't tell him that he's wrong. That he harmed another human being. You tell him that even though administrations or police have told him that he is wrong, that THEY are really the wrong ones because what do they know about being bro in this world anyway? We all fuck up and sometimes that fucking up means you fuck some bitch that didn't want it. But who cares?
I care. My friends care. I don't want to speak for everyone, but there are people out there who give a fuck! We get called "too sensitive," that we "over-react," "feminazis," that we should "chill out," or that we just don't "understand" what really happened. We understand. Trust me, we all fucking understand. I don't think you are the one that understands.
So let me lay it out for you. I will not speak for all survivors. I will not give you the details of my rape because you don't fucking deserve it. You don't deserve me having to live through my experience again. And having the pity and the looks and the awkward hugs from people I don't know. I don't need people walking on eggshells. I need them to do something about rape culture.
I am not one to just tell you to do "something" and leave it at that. I want you to succeed. So, here is what I want you to do. I want you to get educated. I want you to research and read and listen to what rape culture is and how it hurts women and men. This is more than going to Take Back the Night. You need understand how street harassment, the media, and your words feed into rape culture.
Once you understand this I want you to speak. Tell people what rape culture is; help them change their actions as you change your own. Women have been yelling and writing about rape and violence for decades and you can see the result. We still have a long way to go for women and men to be safe. I say "and men" because men are survivors of rape and violence as well.
On a personal note, here is what I need from you. Stop telling me things I already know. Yes, I know that university police and administrations are really bad at responding to rape. Trust me, I am fully aware. I know it's not my fault. I know so many things. Stop telling me. I want you to do something. If the administration is so bad, can you go yell at them for me? Because I am tired of yelling by myself. A lot of survivors are. Do you know what I've found? People like to dismiss groups of survivors when they talk about rape. We need allies. Also, if it's not my fault, please vocally say who is at fault. A lot of people just like to say "It's not your fault." What I do not hear is who's fault it is. Say it. Out loud. And after that, take actions to tell them it is their fault. You don't have to actually tell them, but stop condoning their behavior. If he is a member of your organization, kick him out. By keeping him there you are telling him that his behavior will not affect his social standing. I want his social status to suffer. I have a new social status now. Why can't he? I am sick of seeing only "authoritative" (i.e. from administration or a judge) punishment but never any social punishment.
I ask you stop being a bystander as a personal request. You can help me stop feeling so scared and anxious. I'm sure you've heard all about PTSD and the psychological consequences of traumatic events, but I'm going to give you a first hand account. This is so you can stop telling me things I already know or worse telling me that I don't "understand" how complicated rape is. I walk around with a constant orb of anxiety and panic in my chest. It is just there, waiting. It waits for someone to accidentally touch me or for someone to suddenly be walking too closely behind me. It waits for someone to make an insensitive remark about rape or sexual assault or women in general. It waits for the trigger to get pulled so that it can become panic. When that trigger is pulled there is an adrenaline rush that would make those stupid Crank movies jealous. My chest constricts until I am sure I cannot breathe. I can feel my body straighten and become hyper aware. My entire being becomes ready for an attack. And every time this happens it's as if the entire initial incident is happening again. Every time someone accidentally triggers me they accidentally violate me. In essence my request is simple: stop being insensitive. Stop making rape jokes. Stop touching people you don't know. Respect people's space. Give an adequate trigger warning before you start talking about sexual assault. For the love of god, THINK!
My dear, bystander friend, please listen to this request. If anything, just think about it for a little bit. If you decide that you like being a bystander (and if you continue your behavior that is what you are deciding), I hope you have a good damn reason for it. Such a good reason that you would be able to look me in the eye (or in the eye of any survivor) and tell it to me. Once you have this reason, imagine telling your mother, grandmother, sister, girlfriend, or another female close to you. Would you be able to?
I wish you all the best.
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