poly/bi/pan??!?!?!

Today, I've taken on the daunting task of recording (and responding) all the fucked up shit I get told about my sexuality on a fairly regular basis.
If you'd like some mood music for your reading, I recommend this playlist on 8tracks.

1. "What's pansexual?"
A: I get asked this ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME. Do I look like Google? Am I Wikipedia? No, no I am not. Go watch this Laci Green video. And leave me alone.

2. "Does that mean you're attracted to everyone?" 
A: This is usually asked with concern like "Are you the Energizer Bunny? How do deal with that much lust?" or is asked suggestively. So, first off, if you're asking me this I'm probably not attracted to you (trust me, I'm not subtle when I try to pick someone up). But if I do think you're hot: Well, like the Energizer Bunny, I have been known to go all night long ;) 
(See what I mean about not subtle?) 

3. "You'll never have a sustainable relationship like that."
A: You mean I'll never have a sustainable relationship with you. I'm heartbroken.
Oh, and monogamy has been working out soooo well (cough 50% divorce rate cough). And you don't know my life or my partners or my future (if you do know my future, we should chat).

4. "How do you expect men to respect you if you act like such a skank?"
A: Well, by treating me like a sexually active (ok, very sexually active) person. Emphasis on the person. Respecting people has nothing to do with sexual history or partners. Anyone who is basing their respect for me on my sex life is not a person I respect. I want people in my life that respect me for my ideas, my strength, my character (which lol isn't dependent on my sexuality), and me as a whole person.
Obvi, you're jelly of my sex life :)

5. "So....do you wanna have a threesome?" -every straight dude that has tried to get into my pants
A: Not with you :)

6. "Aren't you basically just bi?"
A: No :) 

7. "What about any kids you'll have?"
A: Ew. Who said I was having kids? Wait are you pregnant with my baby? I know I'm not pregnant. I'm pretty sure you care about my hypothetical children more than I do.

8. "How many people have you fucked?"
A: None of your goddamn business :)

9. "Does being pan mean that you want to fuck everything? Like not just people?"
A: No. Sit down. Stop talking. Queer =/= bestiality/pedophilia/etc. 

10. "But there are only 2 genders..."
A: Go take a Gender Studies class. 

11. "So does that mean you're a cheater?"
A: No. Cheating is when someone has sex with another person without their partner knowing. Polyamory is an agreement between partners based on consent and trust. Try reading The Ethical Slut if you're interested in learning more.

12. "But  I thought all poly people were like ugly couples, but you're, like, hot...."
A: And I thought that all monogamous, straight dudes were close-minded, shallow, bigots, but you're, like, oh...wait....

13. "If you aren't attracted to someone's gender what are you attracted to?"
A: Well, not pan or bi person, PEOPLE AREN'T JUST THEIR GENDER. What makes you attracted to people? Why are you assuming that I spend my time analyzing what I'm attracted to. I'm attracted to people. Not just men. Not just women. Not just non-binary people. People. Bam! Done analyzing. This reminds me of when people ask me....

14. "When did you know you were pan?"
A: When did you know you were straight? 

15: "You just have commitment problems, that's why you're poly, right?"
A: Well, it does take a lot for me to commit, but that's not it. Monogamy seriously stresses me out. Like, having someone be that territorial over me to the point that I can't explore relationships with other people seriously makes me anxious. But what if I meet someone really great and I can have a relationship with them that provides different things that I can't get out of my primary relationship? How can I just pass that by? It also seems to me that monogamy is based on this idea that love and sex are finite. Newsflash: love and sex aren't fossil fuels; we aren't going to run out of them. And so knowing that I have a lot of love (and sex) to give, being in a monogamous relationship doesn't make sense to me. There is no way I could share all of my love (or sex) with one person. Like that would be ridiculously smothering. I also don't expect someone to give me all of their love or sex (because again that would be ridiculously smothering and I'd probably want to kill them). And I don't want to rely on one person to provide for all my emotional, physical, and mental needs, and I certainly don't want to be the only person doing that for another. That's just so draining and unrealistic.
Also, you're monogamous because you have abandonment issues, right? 

That's all I can think of for now...
If you have any, feel free to comment!