Morals and Gynecology, Part II

For those that haven't read my blog post about a shitty time with a gynecologist, y'all should do so now.

As a sexually active woman, I take the necessary precautions to avoid STDs. I use condoms; I've DIYd dental dams; I get tested regularly. Let me restate that, I use condoms 100% of the time but I still get tested every 4-6 months. This is mostly because I'm paranoid and some STDs do not present noticeable symptoms.

This morning, I called my doctor's office to order blood work for an STD test since I hadn't had one since January. A couple hours later, I got a phone call from a nurse practitioner; not my primary care provider. First, she called to let me know that my primary care provider ordered the lab tests so I'd be all set to go into the lab and get the STD test done.
Then she launched into a lecture. And kept calling me sweetie. Here's some paraphrasing of that "conversation."

NP: Now, Lindsey, you're 21 years old.
Me: Yes, yes I am. Thank you for reminding me. This is the part where my extended family asks why I'm not married, but I'm guessing you aren't going to do that.
NP: Well, it's looking like your last STD test was in January and you had one before that in September. So it's looking like you might be engaging in some risky behaviors. Sweetie, are you protecting yourself?
Me: Yes, those are the last times I had STD tests (internal thought: you also forgot to mention the one last June...). And yes, I do use protection when I'm having sex.
NP: How?
Me: Well...the usual way...condoms...
NP: Every time?
Me: Yes. Unless I'm having sex with a woman, and in that case, no...
NP: Sweetie, if you're always using protection you don't need to get STD tests so often. Are you changing partners a lot?
Me: (thinking: define a lot...#polyamory...)I was always taught that even if you use condoms you should still get regularly tested, just in case. And yes, I do change partners (why does this now sound like square dancing?)
NP: Oh! Well, changing partners often is very risky. And I've never heard of getting tested even when using condoms, you know condoms are extremely effective...
Me: Yes, condoms are extremely effectively, however, I am cautious so I get tested. I'm not saying that...
NP: And you know, getting STDs are bad for women. Some of them can affect your fertility and you might not be able to have babies. And STDs can hurt a lot. You should really consider...
Me: Yes, I know what STDs do, I volunteer teaching contraception, so trust me, I am very well aware. In fact, that's how I know I should get tested regularly.
NP: Oh, well, I guess you would really know! And I'll double check with your primary care provider about getting tested so often...
Me: You do that. And how about you don't lecture people about their sexuality based on your assumptions?
NP: I wasn't trying to lecture you, sweetie, I'm just concerned.
Me: Your concern is condescending. Thank you for letting me know I can go get the tests.

Now, I understand why someone getting STD tests on a regular basis can look alarming on a health chart. I understand why I might receive a phone call to make sure I'm not having unprotected sex every four months. However, when I first called to ask for the tests, the woman I talked to asked if I had any recent exposure to STDs and I TOLD HER NO, THAT I WAS MERELY BEING CAUTIOUS AND WANTED TO MAKE SURE I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING.
Why on earth this random nurse practitioner felt the need to concern herself with the rest of my sexual habits was unnecessary and intrusive. She implied that I should be concerned about my future fertility. She fucking assumed that because I have a uterus, I will later want children. I DO NOT WANT CHILDREN. Of course, I'd rather get a tubal ligation than contract an STD to make me sterile. Also, she said absolutely nothing about the fact that I also have sex with people who are not men. She just danced right around that one. In fact, if she had actually engaged with the fact that I'm not straight, she might not have felt the need to lecture me about my future babymaking potential. And WHY THE FUCK DID SHE HAVE TO KEEP CALLING ME SWEETIE SHE DOESN'T KNOW ME. It's not endearing. It's condescending. Fuck, my own mother; hell, my own grandmother, doesn't call me "sweetie." Anyone that has met me could attest to the fact that I am not a person you call sweetie (the only person who calls me sweetie is my grandfather, and he is the only person allowed to do that). I am also concerned by the fact that this nurse practitioner doesn't think sexually active adults should be tested for STDs on a regular basis, even if they use condoms. What kind of dream world does she live in where everyone correctly uses condoms 100% of the time? I'm also NOT HER PATIENT. What. The. Fuck. If you're going to give me "health advice" at least be my doctor. Also, make sure your health advice isn't seeped in misogynistic, paternalistic judgement.

poly/bi/pan??!?!?!

Today, I've taken on the daunting task of recording (and responding) all the fucked up shit I get told about my sexuality on a fairly regular basis.
If you'd like some mood music for your reading, I recommend this playlist on 8tracks.

1. "What's pansexual?"
A: I get asked this ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME. Do I look like Google? Am I Wikipedia? No, no I am not. Go watch this Laci Green video. And leave me alone.

2. "Does that mean you're attracted to everyone?" 
A: This is usually asked with concern like "Are you the Energizer Bunny? How do deal with that much lust?" or is asked suggestively. So, first off, if you're asking me this I'm probably not attracted to you (trust me, I'm not subtle when I try to pick someone up). But if I do think you're hot: Well, like the Energizer Bunny, I have been known to go all night long ;) 
(See what I mean about not subtle?) 

3. "You'll never have a sustainable relationship like that."
A: You mean I'll never have a sustainable relationship with you. I'm heartbroken.
Oh, and monogamy has been working out soooo well (cough 50% divorce rate cough). And you don't know my life or my partners or my future (if you do know my future, we should chat).

4. "How do you expect men to respect you if you act like such a skank?"
A: Well, by treating me like a sexually active (ok, very sexually active) person. Emphasis on the person. Respecting people has nothing to do with sexual history or partners. Anyone who is basing their respect for me on my sex life is not a person I respect. I want people in my life that respect me for my ideas, my strength, my character (which lol isn't dependent on my sexuality), and me as a whole person.
Obvi, you're jelly of my sex life :)

5. "So....do you wanna have a threesome?" -every straight dude that has tried to get into my pants
A: Not with you :)

6. "Aren't you basically just bi?"
A: No :) 

7. "What about any kids you'll have?"
A: Ew. Who said I was having kids? Wait are you pregnant with my baby? I know I'm not pregnant. I'm pretty sure you care about my hypothetical children more than I do.

8. "How many people have you fucked?"
A: None of your goddamn business :)

9. "Does being pan mean that you want to fuck everything? Like not just people?"
A: No. Sit down. Stop talking. Queer =/= bestiality/pedophilia/etc. 

10. "But there are only 2 genders..."
A: Go take a Gender Studies class. 

11. "So does that mean you're a cheater?"
A: No. Cheating is when someone has sex with another person without their partner knowing. Polyamory is an agreement between partners based on consent and trust. Try reading The Ethical Slut if you're interested in learning more.

12. "But  I thought all poly people were like ugly couples, but you're, like, hot...."
A: And I thought that all monogamous, straight dudes were close-minded, shallow, bigots, but you're, like, oh...wait....

13. "If you aren't attracted to someone's gender what are you attracted to?"
A: Well, not pan or bi person, PEOPLE AREN'T JUST THEIR GENDER. What makes you attracted to people? Why are you assuming that I spend my time analyzing what I'm attracted to. I'm attracted to people. Not just men. Not just women. Not just non-binary people. People. Bam! Done analyzing. This reminds me of when people ask me....

14. "When did you know you were pan?"
A: When did you know you were straight? 

15: "You just have commitment problems, that's why you're poly, right?"
A: Well, it does take a lot for me to commit, but that's not it. Monogamy seriously stresses me out. Like, having someone be that territorial over me to the point that I can't explore relationships with other people seriously makes me anxious. But what if I meet someone really great and I can have a relationship with them that provides different things that I can't get out of my primary relationship? How can I just pass that by? It also seems to me that monogamy is based on this idea that love and sex are finite. Newsflash: love and sex aren't fossil fuels; we aren't going to run out of them. And so knowing that I have a lot of love (and sex) to give, being in a monogamous relationship doesn't make sense to me. There is no way I could share all of my love (or sex) with one person. Like that would be ridiculously smothering. I also don't expect someone to give me all of their love or sex (because again that would be ridiculously smothering and I'd probably want to kill them). And I don't want to rely on one person to provide for all my emotional, physical, and mental needs, and I certainly don't want to be the only person doing that for another. That's just so draining and unrealistic.
Also, you're monogamous because you have abandonment issues, right? 

That's all I can think of for now...
If you have any, feel free to comment!

I will not be silenced (TW rape)

I've had it. I'm officially really fucking pissed.
At you.
You know who you are.
You like to tell survivors and activists to censor themselves.
You say things like:
"When you say negative things about *organization/person* that reflects poorly on me because people connect me with you." 
"Why can't you just be polite? I'm not asking you to like them, but can't you just be supportive?"
"You're really not going to get anywhere being so angry."
"Individually, they're great people. Why can't you give them a break?"
"Well, they've only ever been nice to me. Maybe if you weren't so mean they'd be nicer to you."
Or any variation thereof.
First off, FUCK YOU.
Asking me to be NICE or to SUPPORT or to at the very least NOT SAY "NEGATIVE" THINGS about an organization that sheltered and supported and never kicked out my rapist is BULLSHIT.
My loud disapproval of organizations that support rape culture by being bystanders to rape and affiliating with rapists is NOT something that should be silenced. 
YOU should be silenced. 
YOU should reevaluate your relationships with people. 
YOU should ask yourself if you really want to be friends with a rapist. 
YOU should ask yourself if you want to be affiliated with an organization that implicitly condones sexual violence and misogyny.
YOU SHOULD BE QUIET.
not me. 
not the survivors. 
not the allies. 

The best way you can do good in the world is to not be friends with rapists or support organizations that foster rape culture. But if you can't do that, you can disaffiliate yourself from me (because chances are, I already don't associate with you).

Story of Self

A program I was applying for asked me to share my "story of self" as an explanation of my leadership and passion. I figured I might as well share it with the internet. 

Growing up, I was surrounded with noise. More specifically, I constantly heard yelling - the yelling of neighborhood kids, their parents yelling, my parents yelling - the noise of people trying to be heard. I tried to yell or cry or scream to be heard above the din. But when I was heard, the response was not always positive. If I voiced concern about my parents yelling, one or both parents would tell me not to be concerned, that everything was fine.

Maintaining the semblance of “everything is fine” remained with me as I grew older. I quickly learned that if I expressed that I was not fine, adults and my peers would not listen to me. Instead, they would panic and try to reassure me that I was actually fine. In my Bible class, if I said I was insecure in my faith, my teacher would tell me to simply silence my doubts. I pretended that I was able to do that while remaining agnostic internally. Looking back, I was constantly being told how to feel. The women in my life, as well as society, told me to be ashamed of my body. If I contested, they would simply point out the ways my body was not perfect. When I told my youth pastor that I thought the boys in my Bible study were sexist, she told me they weren’t, but that they were living biblical lives. I quickly learned to question my feelings and experiences. I learned to stop voicing my authentic feelings and experiences and instead parrot what I was told to feel and experience.

Eventually, I was not only lying to others, but also to myself. As I internalized the shame I was taught to feel about my body, I lied to myself (I’m not hungry, I’m not working out too much). As I listened to my family and community preach homophobia and heterosexism, I lied to myself (I don’t like her that way, I only like boys, it’s just a phase). I also watch my friends lie to themselves. When my best friend was bullied and called racial slurs, I watched her ignore the actions and even deny the attacks. She told me that she was fine. I did not know what to do, I was unsure if I should speak up for her since it appeared that she simply wanted to issue to disappear. In the end, I didn’t say anything.

Getting to college, I no longer had my family around to monitor my emotions. I was also in a more accepting environment than my socially conservative high school and family. Suddenly, I had friends asking me, “How are you? No, really, how are you?” There were people listening. They also taught me how to listen. My first year, I joined the cast of The Vagina Monologues and learned how to make an entire audience listen. Through positive experiences with friends as well as gender studies coursework, I grew more comfortable talking about my experiences. I unlearned the internalized lie: “I’m fine.” I was breaking my silence by becoming active in Greek Life and my Women’s and Gender Studies classes.

The beginning of the spring semester of my third year of college, I was silenced again. My protests and yelling “Stop” and “No” were not heard. I hated being silenced. No one was going to ignore me and my feelings. For a month and a half I fought to make my voice and experience heard working through the Title IX system and against efforts to silence me. Ultimately, my efforts worked as I had the perpetrator removed from school. However, I was not done being heard. A few weeks later, it was revealed that his fraternity was posting misogynistic and violent posts on their “secret” Facebook page. I joined a group of students to protest the fraternity in an effort to make sure that the administration held them accountable.

I also began speaking up for others. This year, I directed a show to replace The Vagina Monologues. This production, The Willamette Monologues, was completely student written and performed. Students, myself included, shared monologues about their experiences with heterosexism, racism, transphobia, sexual assault, and other experiences of oppression. I am continuing to speak against privilege.

Part of speaking up is also being silent. As a community, we need to take time to listen to each other, especially the voices of the marginalized. While listening, we must also take care to not invalidate the feelings or experiences of others. The only way to truly understand injustice in the world, is to either live it or listen to those with the experience. In order to combat injustice, collective action is necessary. Not only collective action, but also that the oppressed lead because if privileged people, the loudest voices, talk over the marginalized the privileged are not helping. Rather they are speaking for others and trying to save them. Leadership and social justice work is not about saving people; it is about lessening injustice and oppression. This requires an understanding that, if you are privileged, your leadership may perpetuate oppression. A classic example of this is the white mainstream feminist movement, especially during the “second wave.” These feminists thought they were helping all women when in fact, they were harming women of color as well as queer women. Social justice work must quiet the room so that the silent voices are heard.

Also, I recognize that I'm not always silent when I should be or I don't speak up when I should. I'm still learning and I apologize for any harm or hurt this has caused. 

And the last paragraph sounds like a bad high school essay because, let's face it, I was applying for a post grad program and they eat that shit up. 

An Open Letter to Straight People Advocating for Safe Sex

Hey there,

Let me start off by saying: I love safe sex. I talk about it all the time. The number of impromptu condom demonstrations, birth control discussions, and random sex talks I've had with people is a little ridiculous. I wrote my thesis on sex education. Safe sex and I are tight.

Which is why it makes me want to scream when all I hear about is how to have safe hetero-sex.

Do you think that only straight people have sex?
What do you think sex is? No, really, I want you to define sex for me right now.
If your definition involved the word penetrate, I'm going to ask you to sit the fuck down.

I'm really fucking sick of hearing about contraception as if the only thing we're trying to protect ourselves from are babies.
I'm also really fucking sick of only hearing about condoms.

I want to hear more about:
-dental dams (or even how to turn condoms into dental dams)
-latex gloves (you know in case you have a cut on your hand but would still like to pleasure your partner)
-lube (why the fuck aren't we talking about lube??)
-CONSENT

HOLY SHIT WHY AREN'T WE TALKING ABOUT CONSENT?!?!?!
And not just between straight folks. I mean between EVERYONE. For EVERYTHING. It isn't safe sex if you use a condom but didn't get enthusiastic consent (that's called rape...).

Also, RAPE DOESN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN WITH A PENIS. Why aren't we talking about that?

And just to put this into perspective, a lot of fucking things don't require penises.

I want to hear less about penises and more about pleasure and communication and understanding and respect. I'd prefer that if you don't know how to ask your partner what they want and how they want it, that you go take that fucking condom off. If you can't talk with your partner in a mature and respectful way about sex and wants and needs and triggers and boundaries than you shouldn't be having sex.

But where is that conversation?
Especially for the LGBTQ+ community?

Oh my dear straight ally so committed to safe sex and healthy relationships, do you think that LGBTQ+ folk are immune to abusive relationships? Do you think that those relationships have the same issues as straight relationships? Did you even think about LGBTQ+ people and their needs and wants? I'm betting you forgot about us.

I'm so fucking sick of all of this heterosexist, cissexist, borderline misogynistic bullshit I hear in the safe sex and healthy relationship conversation.

Where are the conversations for navigating relationships with partners with different value systems? Or navigating the relationship between a straight person and a pan or bisexual person (because trust me that is a whole trough of complicated fuckery)?

Dear straight person, I'm also assuming that you're monogamous. Have you even considered that not everyone abides by monogamy? That some people identify as polyamorous which makes our safe sex and healthy relationships look different from yours.

If there are so many different needs and wants and problems and questions that are outside of the heterosexual cis-stem, why the FUCK do I have to keep hearing the needs and wants and problems and questions of cis-gendered heteros?

Stop perpetuating this bullshit. I'm sick of it.

I'm especially sick and tired of it when people fucking TELL YOU that you're being heteronormative. When your ideas and programs are fucking called out for being heterosexist!
Yet you do nothing.
Even though you claim to be so open minded and an ally.
If you aren't going to do the work, then stop calling yourself an ally. You're an embarrassment for the rest of the allies that actually give a fuck and put in the work.
You can't be committed to equality if you never even consider (especially when you're called out on it) how your actions and words and even your fucking presence and the amount of fucking space you take up and the fact that you fucking monopolize a conversation that you aren't even part of but now you're in it because you fucking barged in and just sat down acting like you own it....how all of that fucking shit I have to see and deal with is actually harmful.

At first, I wanted to help you out. I wanted you to get better. I believe in the human capacity to change, and I still think that one day you will change. But you aren't. You're stagnant. And until you change completely and for the better, imma ask you to get the fuck out because you are suffocating me with your heterosexist, monogamist privileged, straight ass.

Take your condoms and your basic ass and leave me the hell alone.

Responses to things I'm tired of hearing

It's happened. I've reached the point where I can't just shrug off certain phrases that I hear on a fairly regular basis.
Last week, a guy hit on me while I was at work, and instead of just doing the standard, non-committal shrug and smile, I just stared at him with the cold, dead eyes of an unamused woman.
My maximum bullshit tolerance has been reached, and as such, I am providing some of my favorite responses to the most obnoxious pieces of bullshitery I hear. Some of the responses, I have used. Others are things I thought of later (I hate when that happens!).

1. "You're so pretty when you smile. You should smile more." Or any variation thereof. 
Ugh, you're pretty when you shut the fuck up. Or: I'll smile when you leave because then I'll be happy. Or that time when the cashier at Costco told me to smile and I said: "Well, I would but I'm pretty sure smiling is your job and not telling your customers what to do."

2. "I really couldn't care less that you're bi. It really doesn't mean that much to your personality." 
Fuck off. Also, I'm not bi, I'm pan, so go fuck off some more. Oh, and my sexuality means A LOT to my identity so when you say that you "couldn't care less," I'm taking that to mean that you couldn't care less about me as a person. Which means, you guessed it, FUCK OFF.
Oh and when I told said person this, his reply was: "Well, you're a bitch and that makes you a bad person, not your sexual orientation."
My response? A smile :)

3. "You're so pretty why don't you have a boyfriend?" 
Unamused face.
Oh, and thank you sooooo much for caring about my personality. Because apparently I'm a bitch.

4. "Have you ever considered being nicer?"
Yes, but then someone's an asshole and it takes way more energy for me to be nice than it does for me to be a bitch. If I need to apologize for said behavior later, I will. But I'm not going to alter my personality for someone who is acting in such a way that hurts me.

That's all I have for now...If you think of another insufferable phrase or sentiment that I didn't list here, feel free to let me know and I'll respond :)

OH...Oh YES...Baby

Oh baby, oh baby, yes, there. I hope you read that in the most monotonous voice possible because I'm going to share my thoughts on fake orgasms. Also known as false performance reviews.

As a cis-woman, this is coming from my experience with fake orgasms. I think I speak for a number of cis-women when I say that at some point we have faked orgasms. I'm also assuming that the hypothetical fake orgasm is occurring within consensual sex.

Let me begin with an anecdote of one time I faked an orgasm. The reasons behind this instance of pretend orgasming are representative of every other time I've faked it.

It was booty call hour (aka between 11 PM and daylight) and I was horny (we've all been there), so I contacted a guy that I was 90% sure found me attractive and was DTF. Now, I am not subtle. It's never been my thing. It's why I would make a horrible politician and/or spy. This is why my intentions for communicating became clear within the first 3 texts. Long story short, he came over. For further context, this was the first time I had sex with this person (and last *cough*) AND I hadn't had sex in about 11 weeks (but who's counting?). So, y'all can imagine how this went. Two overzealous, horny twenty-somethings with no knowledge of the other person's body having sex. It wasn't good. I tried resuscitating this failing sex in an attempt to get me an orgasm, but it wasn't working. After giving it my all, I had to admit defeat and let out a series of moans, pelvic thrusts, and the proper facial expression.

Why did I do this? Why didn't I just say: "Hey, I know you're trying really hard and that you're having a great time, but could you wrap this up? I'm just not going to orgasm. We can try something else, but we've been at this for awhile and I kind of want to go to bed. Thanks!"
Well, for a number of reasons:
1. The sex wasn't bad. Just because I wasn't going to orgasm didn't mean I wasn't enjoying myself.
2. That's a really awkward conversation to have while someone is inside of you.
3. And since this was the first time we were fucking, it was already pretty fucking awkward.
4. He seems like one of those guys that would get upset about not making me come. Like he was really trying. He was so enthusiastic and eager to please that I could just imagine his face drop at the realization that he didn't make me come. I'm a bitch, but I'm not completely heartless.
5. It takes less energy to fake an orgasm than it does to explain that you aren't going to come.

This brings up a number of points:
1. Orgasms aren't always the point of sex!
2. We (or at least I) need to figure out ways to communicate during sex without feeling awkward.
3. First time sex is awkward. But we have to overcome the awkward in order to communicate and have better sex.
4. Partners: it isn't the job of the not orgasming partner to make you feel better about the fact that they didn't come. While some partners are cool with that, I personally don't like babysitting another person's ego regarding their sexual prowess. I totally understand that it sucks when you can't get your partner off, but use it as a learning experience. Ask what you could do better next time and if the other person is ok with not orgasming. Also understand that just because your partner didn't orgasm, doesn't mean they didn't enjoy themselves.
5.  If you don't feel comfortable telling someone you aren't going to orgasm or wanting to put in the energy to explain why you aren't going to orgasm, you probably shouldn't be fucking the person you are currently fucking. So, I probably shouldn't have fucked that guy, but sometimes it's late at night, I'm horny, and kinda sick of using my vibrator.

Faking an orgasm isn't necessarily bad. It's not a good thing either. I think it should be used as a last resort. Usually I try to ask myself: "Do I want to put the energy into this as a way to increase my chances for better sex with this person later? If yes, use your words. If no, go ahead and fake it.