Responses to things I'm tired of hearing

It's happened. I've reached the point where I can't just shrug off certain phrases that I hear on a fairly regular basis.
Last week, a guy hit on me while I was at work, and instead of just doing the standard, non-committal shrug and smile, I just stared at him with the cold, dead eyes of an unamused woman.
My maximum bullshit tolerance has been reached, and as such, I am providing some of my favorite responses to the most obnoxious pieces of bullshitery I hear. Some of the responses, I have used. Others are things I thought of later (I hate when that happens!).

1. "You're so pretty when you smile. You should smile more." Or any variation thereof. 
Ugh, you're pretty when you shut the fuck up. Or: I'll smile when you leave because then I'll be happy. Or that time when the cashier at Costco told me to smile and I said: "Well, I would but I'm pretty sure smiling is your job and not telling your customers what to do."

2. "I really couldn't care less that you're bi. It really doesn't mean that much to your personality." 
Fuck off. Also, I'm not bi, I'm pan, so go fuck off some more. Oh, and my sexuality means A LOT to my identity so when you say that you "couldn't care less," I'm taking that to mean that you couldn't care less about me as a person. Which means, you guessed it, FUCK OFF.
Oh and when I told said person this, his reply was: "Well, you're a bitch and that makes you a bad person, not your sexual orientation."
My response? A smile :)

3. "You're so pretty why don't you have a boyfriend?" 
Unamused face.
Oh, and thank you sooooo much for caring about my personality. Because apparently I'm a bitch.

4. "Have you ever considered being nicer?"
Yes, but then someone's an asshole and it takes way more energy for me to be nice than it does for me to be a bitch. If I need to apologize for said behavior later, I will. But I'm not going to alter my personality for someone who is acting in such a way that hurts me.

That's all I have for now...If you think of another insufferable phrase or sentiment that I didn't list here, feel free to let me know and I'll respond :)

OH...Oh YES...Baby

Oh baby, oh baby, yes, there. I hope you read that in the most monotonous voice possible because I'm going to share my thoughts on fake orgasms. Also known as false performance reviews.

As a cis-woman, this is coming from my experience with fake orgasms. I think I speak for a number of cis-women when I say that at some point we have faked orgasms. I'm also assuming that the hypothetical fake orgasm is occurring within consensual sex.

Let me begin with an anecdote of one time I faked an orgasm. The reasons behind this instance of pretend orgasming are representative of every other time I've faked it.

It was booty call hour (aka between 11 PM and daylight) and I was horny (we've all been there), so I contacted a guy that I was 90% sure found me attractive and was DTF. Now, I am not subtle. It's never been my thing. It's why I would make a horrible politician and/or spy. This is why my intentions for communicating became clear within the first 3 texts. Long story short, he came over. For further context, this was the first time I had sex with this person (and last *cough*) AND I hadn't had sex in about 11 weeks (but who's counting?). So, y'all can imagine how this went. Two overzealous, horny twenty-somethings with no knowledge of the other person's body having sex. It wasn't good. I tried resuscitating this failing sex in an attempt to get me an orgasm, but it wasn't working. After giving it my all, I had to admit defeat and let out a series of moans, pelvic thrusts, and the proper facial expression.

Why did I do this? Why didn't I just say: "Hey, I know you're trying really hard and that you're having a great time, but could you wrap this up? I'm just not going to orgasm. We can try something else, but we've been at this for awhile and I kind of want to go to bed. Thanks!"
Well, for a number of reasons:
1. The sex wasn't bad. Just because I wasn't going to orgasm didn't mean I wasn't enjoying myself.
2. That's a really awkward conversation to have while someone is inside of you.
3. And since this was the first time we were fucking, it was already pretty fucking awkward.
4. He seems like one of those guys that would get upset about not making me come. Like he was really trying. He was so enthusiastic and eager to please that I could just imagine his face drop at the realization that he didn't make me come. I'm a bitch, but I'm not completely heartless.
5. It takes less energy to fake an orgasm than it does to explain that you aren't going to come.

This brings up a number of points:
1. Orgasms aren't always the point of sex!
2. We (or at least I) need to figure out ways to communicate during sex without feeling awkward.
3. First time sex is awkward. But we have to overcome the awkward in order to communicate and have better sex.
4. Partners: it isn't the job of the not orgasming partner to make you feel better about the fact that they didn't come. While some partners are cool with that, I personally don't like babysitting another person's ego regarding their sexual prowess. I totally understand that it sucks when you can't get your partner off, but use it as a learning experience. Ask what you could do better next time and if the other person is ok with not orgasming. Also understand that just because your partner didn't orgasm, doesn't mean they didn't enjoy themselves.
5.  If you don't feel comfortable telling someone you aren't going to orgasm or wanting to put in the energy to explain why you aren't going to orgasm, you probably shouldn't be fucking the person you are currently fucking. So, I probably shouldn't have fucked that guy, but sometimes it's late at night, I'm horny, and kinda sick of using my vibrator.

Faking an orgasm isn't necessarily bad. It's not a good thing either. I think it should be used as a last resort. Usually I try to ask myself: "Do I want to put the energy into this as a way to increase my chances for better sex with this person later? If yes, use your words. If no, go ahead and fake it.

20 Things that People Do that Should be Celebrated, Not Shamed

This is a response to the article (if you really want to call it that) "20 Things Women Do That Should be Shamed, not Celebrated" on the website Return of Kings.

1. Understanding their sexuality. Sexuality is weird. It's complicated and messy trying to figure out what turns you on or what doesn't. If you are into having a partner or partners, trying to convey your desires is also super complicated. Especially if you are trying to communicate in a way that doesn't sound like a medical textbook. You want to know what helps people figure out sex (in the broadest sense of the term) and their sexuality? Practice. Solo practice, practice with a friend, practice with multiple friends, visualization, talking about it (with everyone), reading about it, watching it; the list can go on. Engaging with sexuality is something that should be celebrated. But instead, vagina havers especially, get slut shamed for experiencing their sexuality. If someone's sexuality deviates from "normal" sexuality (e.g. foot fetishes) they are mocked.

2. Loving their body no matter its size. Ok, I'm really fucking sick of hearing about/reading about how fat women loving their body are just putting on a brave face or other such nonsense. Let's break out of the mindset that beauty is a size 0. Let's fucking stop pinning thinspiration bullshit. Can we also stop posting about going to the gym or "clean" eating on Facebook? Working out and eating healthy are ONE WAY to love your body and that's great! Just don't do it to the detriment of people who love their bodies in other ways. For instance I love my body by spending as much time as possible naked (either alone or with others). Now, I could eat some kale whilst naked but I probably still wouldn't post about it on Facebook. And as a disclaimer, I regularly practice naked yoga but I don't tell the whole world (except for right now). So, I guess a compromise is that those of us who love our bodies in non-conventional ways that don't involve organic food or lifting/cardio, we should probably post about it on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Pinterest more.  Let's (equally) celebrate all the ways to love our bodies!

3. Loving food and admitting it. We live in a world where it's appropriate to be a "foodie" about certain foods or you can acclaim that being skinny tastes better than any food. Let's celebrate all food! In an ideal world, I can claim that I am a foodie about Oreos without people asking me if I know what a foodie is. Bitch, I know what a foodie is. And I know I fucking love Oreos. I try all the varieties of Oreos. I have social gatherings where all we do is try different kinds of Oreos (and no, we aren't stoned). Let's celebrate all the different foods that people love and not shame them by saying that they have immature tastes. *Also, I have always and still attest that Kraft Mac n Cheese is the best thing in this world.* And if someone from Nabisco or Kraft would like to pay me for this free advertising, I would greatly appreciate it. After all I'm so poor that all I eat are Oreos and Kraft Mac n Cheese.

4. Knowing when to ask for help. If there's one thing I kept from my evangelical, Bible reading days is that pride will fuck up a motherfucker (it's in the New Testament, look it up). Now, I won't go so far as to say that we should rely on a patriarchal construction of a deity to fix our problems, but asking for help from others or through welfare isn't a bad thing. Let's stop shaming single moms receiving food stamps because she apparently can't raise her own kids. Bitch, she probably is raising her own kids; being on food stamps does not mean that the fucking government is suddenly the baby daddy. Let's celebrate asking for help when we need it, even with little things (like when you don't understand your statistics homework).

5. Family! In all the ways that you can configure a family. Single parents, guardians, adoption, same-sex parents, siblings raising siblings, that weird conglomerate of friend/family that you form in your twenties, etc. Having love and support around you is a beautiful thing and makes life a lot less shitty. We shouldn't be shaming "non-traditional" families. We should celebrate that there are people in our lives who will love us no matter how much we fuck up. Because that's beautiful.

6. Stay At Home Parents. Stay home parents get a lot of shit. For some reason stay at home dads are either valorized or mocked. Stay at home moms are largely mocked and then held to some kind of weird housewife standard. It's like we forgot that these people are dedicating their lives to raising their kids and creating a safe and loving home environment. So stop shitting on them.

7. Self-Expression in whatever form. If you express yourself by wearing the entire MAC counter, go for it because I love what you're doing with your eyeliner (seriously, I have no idea how you do what you do and I'm in awe). If it means that you puffy paint the shit out of Dollar Tree mugs, go you! If you like to wear cat ears and a tail on days that aren't Halloween, you rock! Stop fucking shaming people because they don't express themselves like you do. I'd also challenge you to think if you are really expressing yourself by wearing those UGGS (and if you are, that's awesome! Your feet look so comfy!).

8. PETS! Going to college makes you miss pets. Pets are great companions. They cuddle with you and don't talk back (assuming that you have a cat or dog). Stop shaming people who "collect" cats. They just want companions and let's be honest, probably don't give a single fuck about what you think because they are fucking cat people and probably don't really like interacting with most people (which is an over generalization, but as a cat person I'm gonna stick to it until I meet a cat person who proves me wrong).

9. People who make, star in, and/or watch feminist porn. Now, I am in the "not all porn is bad" camp. I think that there are creative and innovative ways to "do" porn without it being misogynistic or violent. So, yes, let's shame mainstream porn and its fucked up standards and message. But let's celebrate the feminist porn which helps out all those visual, sexually active people (and people who want some creative sex ideas).

10. People who use birth control! I LOVE BIRTH CONTROL! I love: the shot, the implant, vaginal rings, condoms (male and female), IUDs, the Pill, the patch, EC, dental dams, and the research and development going into male "birth control." So I quoted the "birth control" after male because people keep forgetting that male condoms are technically birth control. Which is why I get pissed off when people talk about how unfair it is that men don't get birth control. Bro, you do. In fact, it's arguably the easiest to access birth control around. And it protects against STDs and HIV. If my IUD also protected me from STDs and HIV I WOULD BE SO FUCKING ECSTATIC THAT I WOULD TALK IN CAPS LOCK FOR A WEEK. Let's celebrate people who take charge of their reproductive life! Which means we shouldn't call them sluts and whores *cough Rush Limbaugh* (but I will say that I still enjoy calling the Pill "whore pills" out of spite).

11. People who don't give a fuck about body hair. And I mean outside of No Shave November. As a habitual body hair shaver, I give mad props to people who don't shave. I've been working on letting the whole hairy legs/pubic mound (because you don't fucking shave your vagina it's anatomically difficult/impossible)/armpits be a facet in my life, but I really like how my legs feel after I shaved (amongst other things...). Let's stop giving women shit when they don't shave their legs or other body parts. It's their fucking body, and they can shave if they want to.
*Honorary mention for people who don't give a fuck about other people's body hair.

12. People who are ballsy enough to take online dating seriously. I am someone who takes online dating not seriously (like I should probably just delete my account because I'm distracting from the people who actually want a relationship via the internet). Being so dedicated and understanding yourself well enough to know that you want a relationship and you will get one with whatever means necessary (just don't go all Kathy Bates in Misery, thanks) means being in a vulnerable place. People who online date are putting themselves out their hoping to find love (or a one night stand sometimes). Stop making fun of them (so I really should delete my account). Encourage them because in the end we are all just swimming around hoping to find someone who can tolerate us long enough to have sex and maybe stick around for awhile (I'm sooooo romantic).

13. Having a healthy body image. Yes, this goes back to loving your body. This also means not abiding by society's ideas of what "toned" looks like. And also loving your body no matter what it looks like because it's  fucking easier to love your body when it looks like societal perfection.

14. Being brave enough to leave a shitty relationship. You know what fucking sucks, realizing that you can't tolerate someone any longer even though you might be comfortable/have kids with that person/split rent in a really great apartment. You have to fucking start over. It's like when you get half way up to your apartment and you live on the fourth floor of a walk up just to realize that you left your purse in the car (Ok, so maybe break ups and divorce have more of an emotional punch). It takes energy and effort to leave someone. And if you actually love(d) them, it takes a lot of emotional energy. Let's respect the choice to end a relationship because chances are they aren't doing it for funsies.

15. Stepping up to take care of kids...especially when they aren't their own. As someone who fucking hates humans under the age of 10 (oooohhh it's such a cute baby, can I give it back to its owner now?), people who raise other people's kids, especially if they aren't blood related, is pretty fucking amazing. They are committing their life to a vulnerable, little human being that they, as the adult, have the responsibility to raise to make sure it isn't completely fucked up. *applause*

16. People who like to have a good time. Because they are creating jobs for people who work as bartenders, bouncers, DJs, taxi drivers, shot glass makers, tequila distilleries (how is tequila made?), Forever 21, Axe (ok, maybe that isn't good, but it's a job for someone), etc. These people have created an entire industry. Capitalism thanks you. They are also really great at cheering up the people who are brave enough to leave a shitty relationship. Of course, this should be celebrated as long as these people are safe and healthy in their actions. I'm not celebrating Jersey Shore.

17. People who try new things with their hair. Dude, they can be stuck with that for a long ass time depending on what they do to their hair. Yeah, hair grows back, but slowly and usually awkwardly.

18. People with standards. Not people with entitlement problems, but people with standards. Who know what they expect and what they deserve. This requires self-reflection and a deep thought process. It also takes a nice set of ovaries (let's stop using balls to mean bravery...) to demand that their standards be met. Don't shame people for being assertive about their needs. Celebrate them for knowing who they are.

19. People who enjoy sex no matter what country they are in. Not people who engage in "sex tourism" a la human sex trafficking. That's fucked up and needs to be stopped. I'm talking about meeting a great person in Sweden, hooking up with them, and then maybe continuing to exchange e-mails (that last part is so not required). Let's face it, these people have managed to overcome fear of not knowing someone superrrr well, trusting them not to be a serial killer (which is always a toss up no matter what country you're in), and then engaging in sexual activity with a potential language barrier (just make sure you've got the basics covered like "No" "Yes" "There" "Please" and "Clitoris").

20. Intersectional Feminists. Because they actively try to smash patriarchy, end oppression, and have to deal with a ton of bullshit at the same time.

Sexual Gatekeepers (a thesis teaser)

Oh boy! A thesis teaser!
Here is a rough draft of a paragraph from my thesis. This paragraph will most likely change (drastically) for obvious reasons, but it's too good not to share.
Enjoy!

One of the central metaphors in the discussion of female sexuality and purity is that of the sexual gatekeeper. In this illustration of abstinence, young women are the gatekeepers of their virginity. In order to protect their virginity from lustful, ravenous men, women are to dress and behave modestly. They must monitor their behavior to ensure that they do not excite the lust of men and therefore endanger the sacred virginity. In this metaphor, women are detached from their sexuality. Part of staying pure is to not engage with ideas of sexuality outside of matrimony. Within this metaphor, when women do not properly guard their flower they are then blamed. There is also the implication that the gate to the pleasurable garden of her vagina cannot be locked again until she recommits herself to a life of second virginity. However, the narrative of second virginity typically relies upon a sexual trauma or violence occurring before the young women recommits herself to life a purity. An implication of that narrative in conjunction with the gatekeeper metaphor is that once the gate to sex is opened it cannot be closed without revirginization. As such, a young woman might as well create some nice walking paths and start charging for entrance because she is now a whore. 

The Case for Not Having Male Friends

The last time I had multiple male friends I was five. And then I went to elementary school where I was immediately informed of the dangers of cooties. I never went back. The majority of my friends have been non-male identified ever since. There’s always been the occasional one guy friend, but that was not the norm.

Throughout high school and even into college there felt like there was a pressure to have a better gender balance (assuming that we live in a gender binary *vomit*) in my friend group. Like there is something wrong with associating almost exclusively with non-male identified people.

So here is my case for not having male-identified friends as a female-identified person.

1. It is mother fucking exhausting.

I’m not saying that all men are misogynists or sexist. I am saying that a good number of men are pretty blind to their male privilege and how it affects people who are not men. It’s tiring to call them out. It’s draining to be in the presence of all that privilege especially when we already live in a patriarchal world.

2. I hate explaining my experiences.

Like really hate it. Especially if someone then decides to argue with me about my experience. Here is some sample dialogue:

            Me: Ugh, this guy in class was totally mansplaining at me earlier about…

Man: Are you sure he was mansplaining? I think you’re taking this gender thing too far. Just because a man explains something doesn’t make it ‘mansplaining’

Me: *face palm*

The great thing about hanging out with women is that (most of the time) they understand my experiences and have had similar ones (at least when it comes to gender, that is definitely not true for other intersections of identity).

3. I really hate censoring myself.

Things I like to talk about include: vaginas, cramps, sexism, birth control, sex, my thesis, swear words,  etc. I also talk about these things from a very (and I mean very) female perspective. Because I hate explaining my experiences, I'd rather just avoid talking about certain things. It's shitty and I hate it. Also, when it comes to IUDs and how much I like the word “cunt,” I give very little fucks about a male POV. Mostly because I get the male POV about every fucking thing every fucking day because patriarchy. Sometimes, I just want to bask in the world according to women. And by sometimes I mean like 98% of the time.

4. Explaining my sexuality is also fucking exhausting, especially to men.

“What’s pan? Does that mean you have sex with everyone?” or my favorite response: “If you like girls too, does that mean we can have a threesome?” or this “But you’re straight for me, right?” Ok, so the last two are from men I’ve fucked, but it’s the same idea. Again this doesn’t apply to all men, but les-be-honest, a lot of straight men just don’t get the different flavors of sexual orientation. And when they try to they look at it in a very self-centered fashion. If she identifies as this, what does that mean for me? You know what bro, the entire fucking world does not revolve around you.

Also, if you, reader, are now like “But wait! If you have all these problems with male-identified people why do you still have sex with them?”

My response to that is: go read a fucking book. Maybe one that has to do with pansexuality. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t always pick winners, so I have fucked my share of sexist assholes. But sometimes sexist assholes are pretty so…

5. I’m no one’s mother.

I can’t be the only woman who has had this problem where men you are close to are suddenly looking to you to take care of them. You’re a girl and you’re my friend so that means you’ll take care of me like my mom, right? No. No, it doesn’t. Fuck you.

Also, Taylor from my high school art class, just because I’m friendly to you and can knit does not mean I will knit you mother fucking slippers. Go to Target you lazy ass.

 There are probably more, but these are the ones that I can think of right now. 

To People Against Booty Shorts, From Me

For context, here is what I am responding to: http://www.abstinence.net/our-blog/guest-commentary/to-young-women-from-a-young-man/

Yes, that is a link to an abstinence website. Yes, I am intentionally trying to piss myself off...obvi. #thesisprobs

Everyone that has a problem with "immodesty", are you really concerned about my ability to attract a man? I have this feeling that you aren't. Like, deep down, I really don't think that it's any of your business who I "attract." What if I don't want to "attract" a "man"? Here's some advice: look at your life, look at your choices. The fact that most of you feel the need to tell women* how to dress is absurd. Especially since my v-neck makes me slutty (there's a country song for you) therefore I shouldn't show cleavage. I'm pretty sure my v-neck doesn't "make" me anything since it is an inanimate object. I think you're obsession with my v-neck makes you construct an image of me in your head as slutty. That's right. My v-neck doesn't make me slutty, you make me slutty. Thanks for that. While we are on the topic of my "sluttiness" (I prefer sexual resume or experience, but I digress), what I do with my vagina (or mouth or hands or whatever the fuck I want) doesn't make me slutty. Again, that is a you problem. So stop making it a me problem. Or a woman problem. Let's face it, you are the one that wants me to a) want a (hetero) relationship, b) not have sex outside of marriage (too late bro, and don't get me started on second virginity), c) look like a fucking virginal princess (that sounds uncomfortable and I look horrible in a crew neck), and d) shut the fuck up (I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm pretty sure that's right). You should really let go of all these expectations on me and other female-identified people. If there are some vagina havers out there that are totally down with your ideology, good for them. Just don't try to get all the vagina havers to act a certain way. It's sexist. Love you!

*I struggled to decide how to identify "women" in this piece since modesty campaigns are constructed in a gender binary. So, I switched between using "women," "female-identified," and "vagina havers." The last one is slightly tongue-in-cheek and also anatomically accurate to describe the people that modesty campaigns target as being "too slutty." If you think/feel/believe/have evidence that any of these terms is problematic, please let me know through the comments. I'm not an expert and appreciate the learning moment.

Owning My Story: the perspective of a survivor

I have made the decision to not recount the details of my rape for a number of reasons which apparently need to be outlined. I have noticed that people don’t seem to understand that stories about rape are deeply personal especially when you ask a survivor to recount his/her experience. This is even more true when someone else shares a rape story that is not their own. I think that what is most likely the root problem of this is that those who have never been raped do not understand what it feels like to be violated in the most personal way possible: their body. Which gets me to my first reason for not sharing:

1. It is not my responsibility to educate you about rape. My story and my experiences are not learning tools for you. They are mine.

2. You do not get to exploit my story. The traumatic experience of rape should not be used for a catharsis (e.g. Law and Order: SVU). I am not going to tell you, in detail, how I was raped so you can get off on it. Fuck that shit. Other ways to exploit me and my story of violation are: using it for education, using it to prove a point, as a cautionary story, or taking my story from me and sharing it with others.

3. “That sounds more like sexual assault/miscommunication/your fault” is what I could possibly hear if I start telling my story. I am not going to open myself up for your doubt. Whatever you have to say, I have probably already told myself. I blame myself every fucking day, so I don’t need to hear anything from you about how I am misreading the situation or could have prevented it. Also, don’t fucking ask me if I now carry pepper spray and know the appropriate self-defense techniques. Newsflash: Before this happened I already knew the same self-defense tactics as you. Don’t treat me like a naïve whore.

4. Gossip: because people can’t keep information to themselves. I know that. You never know where your story could end up, like a newspaper for instance without your permission. This also has the added element of the story also changing. What could begin as “I was raped” could turn into “Reportedly she was sexually assaulted.” Those are two different sentences with two completely different meanings.

5. You’ll act differently around me. “But no!” you say. Don’t lie to yourself. You wouldn’t invite me to certain events because you’d be scared about what would happen. You would distance yourself and there would be a certain pitying tone when you ask me “How are you?” I desperately want things to be normal. Every day, I deal with an internal struggle because I’m not the same and things are no longer normal. I don’t need my external world and my social life as drastically changed as how I feel inside. It’ll only make me resent my rape even more than I already do.

6. Because it’s my fucking life. That’s right. I am under no obligation to tell you anything. I don’t ask you to share traumatic experiences from your life, why would you ask me to share mine? Yes, there needs to be a conversation about violence against women in this country but that does entitle the public to knowing my story personally. I should not be coerced into recounting my experience for the “good of society.” This is similar to problems in reporting rape. Telling anyone about the incident is retraumatizing. By asking me to share is also asking me to retraumatize myself. Survivors deserve the peace and safety to rebuild their lives without having to share their experiences because they feel pressured to do so. Survivors are trying to regain their autonomy and agency, coercing us into sharing or sharing our stories without our permission is taking away what little agency we feel that we have.