Owning My Story: the perspective of a survivor

I have made the decision to not recount the details of my rape for a number of reasons which apparently need to be outlined. I have noticed that people don’t seem to understand that stories about rape are deeply personal especially when you ask a survivor to recount his/her experience. This is even more true when someone else shares a rape story that is not their own. I think that what is most likely the root problem of this is that those who have never been raped do not understand what it feels like to be violated in the most personal way possible: their body. Which gets me to my first reason for not sharing:

1. It is not my responsibility to educate you about rape. My story and my experiences are not learning tools for you. They are mine.

2. You do not get to exploit my story. The traumatic experience of rape should not be used for a catharsis (e.g. Law and Order: SVU). I am not going to tell you, in detail, how I was raped so you can get off on it. Fuck that shit. Other ways to exploit me and my story of violation are: using it for education, using it to prove a point, as a cautionary story, or taking my story from me and sharing it with others.

3. “That sounds more like sexual assault/miscommunication/your fault” is what I could possibly hear if I start telling my story. I am not going to open myself up for your doubt. Whatever you have to say, I have probably already told myself. I blame myself every fucking day, so I don’t need to hear anything from you about how I am misreading the situation or could have prevented it. Also, don’t fucking ask me if I now carry pepper spray and know the appropriate self-defense techniques. Newsflash: Before this happened I already knew the same self-defense tactics as you. Don’t treat me like a naïve whore.

4. Gossip: because people can’t keep information to themselves. I know that. You never know where your story could end up, like a newspaper for instance without your permission. This also has the added element of the story also changing. What could begin as “I was raped” could turn into “Reportedly she was sexually assaulted.” Those are two different sentences with two completely different meanings.

5. You’ll act differently around me. “But no!” you say. Don’t lie to yourself. You wouldn’t invite me to certain events because you’d be scared about what would happen. You would distance yourself and there would be a certain pitying tone when you ask me “How are you?” I desperately want things to be normal. Every day, I deal with an internal struggle because I’m not the same and things are no longer normal. I don’t need my external world and my social life as drastically changed as how I feel inside. It’ll only make me resent my rape even more than I already do.

6. Because it’s my fucking life. That’s right. I am under no obligation to tell you anything. I don’t ask you to share traumatic experiences from your life, why would you ask me to share mine? Yes, there needs to be a conversation about violence against women in this country but that does entitle the public to knowing my story personally. I should not be coerced into recounting my experience for the “good of society.” This is similar to problems in reporting rape. Telling anyone about the incident is retraumatizing. By asking me to share is also asking me to retraumatize myself. Survivors deserve the peace and safety to rebuild their lives without having to share their experiences because they feel pressured to do so. Survivors are trying to regain their autonomy and agency, coercing us into sharing or sharing our stories without our permission is taking away what little agency we feel that we have. 

An Open Letter to Bystanders of Rape (TRIGGER WARNING: contains comments about rape/sexual assault)

Hey Bro,

I'm not going to beat around the bush here. If your feelings get hurt, it is only a fraction of the hurt I have felt as a consequence to you being a bystander. There will be no apologies.

You disgust me. You make the core of my being shake in anger and frustration. You don't make the knot of anxiety and fear in the middle of my chest want to puke and run like rapists and perpetrators of sexual assault, but it's close.

Your inaction is as bad as the action of perpetrators. It's almost worse because you condone the rape, the beating, the groping, the violation. Your inaction is like I am being violated again. When you tell me that I make you feel uncomfortable and awkward because I speak out and won't be silenced, I don't give a fuck. You need to be told! You need to be moved to action.

As a bystander you perpetuate rape culture. When you stay friends with my rapist, you tell him, "Hey man, I know you fucked up, but everyone makes mistakes. But I'm still here for you cuz you're my bro and I love you." You don't tell him that he's wrong. That he harmed another human being. You tell him that even though administrations or police have told him that he is wrong, that THEY are really the wrong ones because what do they know about being bro in this world anyway? We all fuck up and sometimes that fucking up means you fuck some bitch that didn't want it. But who cares?

I care. My friends care. I don't want to speak for everyone, but there are people out there who give a fuck! We get called "too sensitive," that we "over-react," "feminazis," that we should "chill out," or that we just don't "understand" what really happened. We understand. Trust me, we all fucking understand. I don't think you are the one that understands.

So let me lay it out for you. I will not speak for all survivors. I will not give you the details of my rape because you don't fucking deserve it. You don't deserve me having to live through my experience again. And having the pity and the looks and the awkward hugs from people I don't know. I don't need people walking on eggshells. I need them to do something about rape culture.

I am not one to just tell you to do "something" and leave it at that. I want you to succeed. So, here is what I want you to do. I want you to get educated. I want you to research and read and listen to what rape culture is and how it hurts women and men. This is more than going to Take Back the Night. You need understand how street harassment, the media, and your words feed into rape culture.

Once you understand this I want you to speak. Tell people what rape culture is; help them change their actions as you change your own. Women have been yelling and writing about rape and violence for decades and you can see the result. We still have a long way to go for women and men to be safe. I say "and men" because men are survivors of rape and violence as well.

On a personal note, here is what I need from you. Stop telling me things I already know. Yes, I know that university police and administrations are really bad at responding to rape. Trust me, I am fully aware. I know it's not my fault. I know so many things. Stop telling me. I want you to do something. If the administration is so bad, can you go yell at them for me? Because I am tired of yelling by myself. A lot of survivors are. Do you know what I've found? People like to dismiss groups of survivors when they talk about rape. We need allies. Also, if it's not my fault, please vocally say who is at fault. A lot of people just like to say "It's not your fault." What I do not hear is who's fault it is. Say it. Out loud. And after that, take actions to tell them it is their fault. You don't have to actually tell them, but stop condoning their behavior. If he is a member of your organization, kick him out. By keeping him there you are telling him that his behavior will not affect his social standing. I want his social status to suffer. I have a new social status now. Why can't he? I am sick of seeing only "authoritative" (i.e. from administration or a judge) punishment but never any social punishment.

I ask you stop being a bystander as a personal request. You can help me stop feeling so scared and anxious. I'm sure you've heard all about PTSD and the psychological consequences of traumatic events, but I'm going to give you a first hand account. This is so you can stop telling me things I already know or worse telling me that I don't "understand" how complicated rape is. I walk around with a constant orb of anxiety and panic in my chest. It is just there, waiting. It waits for someone to accidentally touch me or for someone to suddenly be walking too closely behind me. It waits for someone to make an insensitive remark about rape or sexual assault or women in general. It waits for the trigger to get pulled so that it can become panic. When that trigger is pulled there is an adrenaline rush that would make those stupid Crank movies jealous. My chest constricts until I am sure I cannot breathe. I can feel my body straighten and become hyper aware. My entire being becomes ready for an attack. And every time this happens it's as if the entire initial incident is happening again. Every time someone accidentally triggers me they accidentally violate me. In essence my request is simple: stop being insensitive. Stop making rape jokes. Stop touching people you don't know. Respect people's space. Give an adequate trigger warning before you start talking about sexual assault. For the love of god, THINK!

My dear, bystander friend, please listen to this request. If anything, just think about it for a little bit. If you decide that you like being a bystander (and if you continue your behavior that is what you are deciding), I hope you have a good damn reason for it. Such a good reason that you would be able to look me in the eye (or in the eye of any survivor) and tell it to me. Once you have this reason, imagine telling your mother, grandmother, sister, girlfriend, or another female close to you. Would you be able to?

I wish you all the best.

Morals and Gynecology

*Note: This entry will contain some details pertaining to my sexual life as it is relevant to my recent gynecology visit.

This morning I went to my gynecologist to discuss changing my birth control. Sounds easy right? And modern. "Look at that modern, independent young woman taking charge over her sex life!" Fuck yes.
As background, I've been on the Pill for 5 years and decided it was time to graduate from what I was taking as a teenager to control horrible cramps and acne. I went into the office looking to discuss the pros and cons of NuvaRing and an IUD. What I was not anticipating was being told to get married.

That's right. My gynecologist told me to get married. He (yes, my gynecologist is a dude) didn't start off the appointment with that, of course. There were the standard questions of why I want to switch (pills are hard to remember, I want something more effective) and why NuvaRing or an IUD (put it in and I can forget!, IUD is more effective, friends have said good things). Then we got to the fun part: questions regarding my sexual history. *The following conversation is not verbatim, it's what I remember. I don't go to my gynecologist with a tape recorder. Weird, I know.
Gyno: "Have you ever been pregnant?"
Me: "Nope"
Gyno: "Any plans to become so in the near future?"
Me: *laughs* and then notices look of disapproval and surprise from gyno "umm I mean, no"
Gyno: "What's your current relationship?"
Me: "Facebook would say complicated. I say sexually monogamous."
Gyno: "How many sexual partners have you had?"
Me: *number*
Gyno: "In the last five years?"
Me: *same number*
Gyno: "So, I ask all these questions because we aren't just concerned about pregnancy. It's not the only thing you can catch from sex. Do you know the most effective method of prevention?"
Me: *feeling like a 7th-grader* "Abstinence."
Gyno: "Right. You know, there's been a lot of research recently about how limiting the number of sexual partners makes women psychologically healthier. The more partners a woman has, the more likely she is to develop anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and a lower socioeconomic status"
Me: *inappropriate chuckling to make up for horror*
Gyno: "Now, we can't undo the past, but you can make up for it. Studies have shown that married people live longer than those who don't or stay in long term, committed relationships. Not getting married is the same as smoking 2 packs a day on your health. Women who get married are happy, healthier, and do better socioeconomically. Marriages do better if you don't have sex before and don't live together first. I would recommend that you find a guy you really like, not have sex, and then get married."
Me: *laughter is now hard to contain* "Well, that's...interesting. I'm actually writing my thesis on purity movements and how they are part of rape culture, so this is really fascinating."
Gyno: "I don't know what research you've done but a good book to read is The Case for Marriage. Now, in your case I don't feel entirely comfortable inserting an IUD because you're at a higher risk for STDs which are harder to treat with an IUD. But if you insist on an IUD, then I will still insert it."
Me: "I'm leaning toward an IUD just because it's more effective against pregnancy."
Gyno: "Ok, that's fine. Especially if you're in a monogamous relationship now."
And then boring medical things.

When I went to the doctor I wasn't anticipating a conversation I'd probably have with someone else's really conservative grandmother (my grandmother is awesome and doesn't tell me to get married). As a disclaimer, the number I didn't give in this blog is still in single digits and my gynecologist still implied that I'm too sexually active. Hmmm.
Now, for the ranting.
 First of all, how do you know what is going to make me psychologically happier? You don't know my emotions, my coping mechanisms, my views on sex and relationships, hell, you really don't know me. But you feel the need to pass judgement on me by using "research." (BTW, I haven't fact checked him yet). Should science/research really be dictating the decisions of women? Just because some university psychologists found that marriage or only have one sex partner is best for "women" does that mean we should listen? Also, which women? What are the demographics of these women?
Second, women do economically better in marriages because women still make less money than men. A two-worker household does better than one. That's math, not general health advice. I, personally, would rather get rid of the wage gap as opposed to get married.
Third, it seems like he is only ok with me getting an IUD because it looks like I've "settled down." Dafuq?
Fourth, yes, my decision to get an IUD was heavily influenced by him basically saying, "I think you're too slutty for this."
Fifth, At least he looked shocked and disgusted when I explained my thoughts on how abstinence is part of rape culture.
Sixth, he's a white, older man giving advice to a young, (seemingly) white woman. Hello, the 1950s.
Seventh, it's problematic that I still feel the need to yell, "MY NUMBER IS A SINGLE DIGIT! I'M NOT A SLUT!" Like, fuck. I'm still trying to deal with the fact that slut is still a stigma in my own mind when it really gets down to it. How do I overcome that?
Eighth, what do you mean we can't "undo the past?" Are you saying I should be ashamed of my past sexual experiences? Are you saying that what I've done is shameful? Also, because I've had sex in the past puts me at higher risk NOW for STDs? Dude, I've been tested. I'm clean. Those past sex-capades didn't give me anything. Why are you assuming that because I have what you deem to be a high number I am engaging in unsafe practices with a shit ton of people?
Ninth, as lovely as your concern is, by expressing it as you did you are merely perpetuating sexist ideas regarding female sexuality. I really don't need that in my life. I hope you don't give the same lecture to all your patients.
Tenth, Imma find a new gynecologist.

Disclaimer

For the purpose of clarity:

- I am only stating opinions. I am not trying to dictate what is right or wrong or correct within feminisms. I am stating my personal point of view, and encourage disagreement. 

- I do not believe there is a "right" point of view for feminisms. I think there is a standard criteria for what feminisms are, who qualifies as feminist, and what constructive activism looks like. 

- I swear because I like it. 

-I moderate all comments.

- I am not trying to convince people of my point of view. This is not a conversion campaign. Again, I think there are multiple views in feminisms (hence feminism being plural). 

-I write this blog for multiple reasons: 1. as an outlet for my rants/thoughts without directly bothering everyone 2. to promote discussion and thinking 

- My blog is not activist. I am not going to change the world with this shit. At most, I will make people question what they think and believe. But unless there is concrete action to work toward gender/sex equality, this blog is only a public journal of feminist rants. 

-I understand that awareness needs to be raised for various people. But if we only focus on raising awareness, we stop moving forward. Those who have political consciousness need to continue onto activism as they (if they want to) continue to consciousness raise. 

-I define "action/activism" as rallying, volunteering, actively trying to change policies, fundraising, etc. There are other ways to define activism, but I agree with this definition. 

-If you really don't like what I have to say, you don't have to read it. That's the beauty of the internet. 

"I Need Feminism Because..."

I really fucking hate that statement. "I need feminism because..." I don't give a shit! Everyone needs feminism. I understand that this is a great consciousness raising exercise, but don't confuse it for activism. It isn't. Activism is saying "Feminisms need me because..." Because let's face it, when you say "I need feminism because" it sounds like you want some magical force Feminism to make things better for you without actually doing anything. Also, what we need are comprehensive and protected human rights and a basic sense of human dignity and respect to be upheld.
*Side note: I also hate that it hegemonizes feminisms and to an extent.
We need to be focusing on how we can further feminisms and make those needs and dreams realities. Basically, stop bitching. Bitching is when you complain about things without trying to solve the problem. That is what this phenomenon promotes. If it had a focus on how we can get the things we need, it would be brainstorming or ranting. Maybe if the phrase went "I Need Feminism Because...and this is how I plan to get it..." I would be less annoyed.
I have also compiled a list of "Feminisms need me because..."
...because "I'm not a feminist but..." still exists
...because there is constantly confusion as to what feminisms are and what they do and who feminists are
...because Sarah Palin shouldn't be able to claim herself as a feminist
...because feminists, especially young ones, are getting shit for just sitting around and complaining and not taking action
...because the "angry feminist" stereotype still exists
...because feminisms need to be diverse
....because it isn't fair for feminisms to be expected to be all-inclusive, all the time in everything that feminists write.
...because having a woman in the public sphere shouldn't be seen as having "diversity"

I understand that this is a more controversial post and that not everyone is going to agree with me. This is simply my opinion. Raising consciousness through social media campaigns is a lovely first step to activism and a necessary part of feminisms. Consciousness raising is not the end goal of feminisms; changing the social structure of patriarchy and fighting for gender/sex equality is. We won't get that just by talking about it.

This goes out to all the mamas out there

I'll be up front: I really really dislike children. I have absolutely no desire to reproduce. However, I do appreciate parents, especially mothers. I love my mother. She did, as still does, a lot. She's a single mom so she had the wonderful task of raising two children without a second parent around. Yes, she had support from other family members, but from what I gather that isn't the same as having a second parental figure around 24/7 to help raise your progeny. Being raised by a single mom did a lot to shape my ideas of parents and what they should be doing.
Firstly, I really think we need to get over this whole division of labour way of looking at parenting. Are you really going to argue over who does the dishes? Also, I'm fairly certain your children (unless they are quite young) can help you with basic tasks. I definitely "helped" my mom clean when I was little. It teaches your children how to be adults...which gets to my second point.
Two: parents should be more focused than they seemingly are on raising their kids to just be decent human beings. Because, newsflash, CHILDREN ARE PEOPLE...or they will become people. That really depends on your definition of "person" (which is a discussion for a different blog post). I'm pretty sure my mom went into the whole parenting thing thinking "As long as Lindsey just keeps this whole decapitation thing to Barbies, my job as her mother will be done." She just wanted me to not become a serial killer. Isn't that all we really want from kids?
Basic things parents should be teaching their kids:
1. How to resolve conflicts so that decapitation isn't the answer
2. How to clean up after themselves
3. To be humble enough to call for a ride home when you're too schwasted to drive
4. How to balance a checkbook and file your taxes
5. Basic moral code (i.e. don't kill people, don't lie, don't cheat, etc. )
6. How to be your own person
This is in no a comprehensive list, but basically parents need to teach their kids basic life skills. I think the best way to do this is through example. For instance, I have a really fun anecdote about number 3. When I was 16, my mom got real drunk at staff party. I was babysitting for the (sober) co-worker she went to the party with, so when my mom's co-worker came back home with my drunk mom it was suddenly my responsibility to drive us home. Disclaimer: I was not the best teenage driver. By this point, I had already totaled two cars. So my mom had a lot of faith in my abilities. When my mom stumbled through that door, she leaned onto me as drunk people tend to do, and looked me (kinda) square in the eye and slurred "You gotta take us home. I can't do it" as she handed me the car keys.
The point of the story is not to make my mom look like a sloppy, irresponsible drunk. Rather what it shows is that parents aren't perfect, and they shouldn't pretend to be. After driving my mom home and holding her hair as she puked up tequila, I learned. One, that tequila smells disgusting coming back up. And two, everyone fucks up. Everyone is going to need a ride home and you shouldn't judge them for that. I know I felt a lot better drunk calling my mom one night a few years later asking for a ride home. It built trust.
Which gets me to another point. Why is there such a formal relationship between parents and children? Why doe people think that there needs to be such an obvious authoritative relationship? I think parents and kids need to get to know each other as PEOPLE, not as that human being that came out of my vagina. There needs to be trust built and mutual respect. Parents are supposed to look out for their kids and have their best interests at heart. I think that would be a lot easier if parents actually knew their kids.

Thoughts on Masculinity

Monday I attended a lecture about masculinities scholarship. I've also been doing a lot of reading for class regarding masculinity. Did you know there is currently a crisis in masculinity? Men do not know how to act like men. One reason for this existential crisis is that as women enter the workforce and assert more aggressive tendencies, previously reserved for men, men do not know how to differentiate themselves from women.
Hmmm
I am still figuring out what to think about this. What do you mean men don't know how to act masculine? I find this intriguing since the masculinist arguments I have come across are also biologically essentialist. Stating that men do not know how to assert their masculinity implies that masculinity is taught and socialized. But if men and women are inherently different and this comes out in our behaviour, does masculinity really need to be taught? If femininity and masculinity are so fundamental to human existence, why must they be taught?
I do not buy into the idea of masculine versus feminine. I do think there are different ways to perform identity, but I do not think that performance needs to be gendered. What is the purpose of gendering performance?
One obvious answer is that performance is a component of attraction. Women are more attracted to assertive men and men are attracted...too...well all women? I know that's a bullshit argument, but I find the whole gender performance as a mating ritual a bullshit idea. I think that it makes attraction and desire too base. Attraction is still a mysterious thing. It isn't common knowledge what makes people attracted to each other. Maybe performance is part of it. But think of this: if identity performance was based on who we are as people rather than gendered notions of performance, wouldn't our relationships turn out better? Are you really attracted to your partner because s/he performs his/her gender so well? If you are just casually fucking them, then the answer may be yes. But if you are in a committed relationship, you probably like him/her as a person and less as a prime example of gender performativity.
I think we should just stop worrying so much about crises of masculinity or femininity. Let's just worry about how we act as people and perform our identities. Should gender really be a part of that?