I have made the decision to not recount the details of my rape for a
number of reasons which apparently need to be outlined. I have noticed that
people don’t seem to understand that stories about rape are deeply personal
especially when you ask a survivor to recount his/her experience. This is even
more true when someone else shares a rape story that is not their own. I think that what is
most likely the root problem of this is that those who have never been raped do
not understand what it feels like to be violated in the most personal way
possible: their body. Which gets me to my first reason for not sharing:
1. It is not my responsibility to educate you about rape. My
story and my experiences are not learning tools for you. They are mine.
2. You do not get to exploit my story. The traumatic
experience of rape should not be used for a catharsis (e.g. Law and Order:
SVU). I am not going to tell you, in detail, how I was raped so you can get off
on it. Fuck that shit. Other ways to exploit me and my story of violation are:
using it for education, using it to prove a point, as a cautionary story, or
taking my story from me and sharing it with others.
3. “That sounds more like sexual assault/miscommunication/your
fault” is what I could possibly hear if I start telling my story. I am not
going to open myself up for your doubt. Whatever you have to say, I have
probably already told myself. I blame myself every fucking day, so I don’t need
to hear anything from you about how I am misreading the situation or could have
prevented it. Also, don’t fucking ask me if I now carry pepper spray and know
the appropriate self-defense techniques. Newsflash: Before this happened I already
knew the same self-defense tactics as you. Don’t treat me like a naïve whore.
4. Gossip: because people can’t keep information to
themselves. I know that. You never know where your story could end up, like a
newspaper for instance without your permission. This also has the added element
of the story also changing. What could begin as “I was raped” could turn into “Reportedly
she was sexually assaulted.” Those are two different sentences with two
completely different meanings.
5. You’ll act differently around me. “But no!” you say.
Don’t lie to yourself. You wouldn’t invite me to certain events because you’d
be scared about what would happen. You would distance yourself and there would
be a certain pitying tone when you ask me “How are you?” I desperately want
things to be normal. Every day, I deal with an internal struggle because I’m
not the same and things are no longer normal. I don’t need my external world
and my social life as drastically changed as how I feel inside. It’ll only make
me resent my rape even more than I already do.
6. Because it’s my fucking life. That’s right. I am under no
obligation to tell you anything. I don’t ask you to share traumatic experiences
from your life, why would you ask me to share mine? Yes, there needs to be a
conversation about violence against women in this country but that does entitle
the public to knowing my story personally. I should not be coerced into
recounting my experience for the “good of society.” This is similar to problems
in reporting rape. Telling anyone about the incident is retraumatizing. By
asking me to share is also asking me to retraumatize myself. Survivors deserve
the peace and safety to rebuild their lives without having to share their
experiences because they feel pressured to do so. Survivors are trying to
regain their autonomy and agency, coercing us into sharing or sharing our
stories without our permission is taking away what little agency we feel that
we have.
